As Nature Intended?

I look back two years to when we found out we were expecting our first child that we had been trying for. Having lost my first baby 3.5yrs before hand to my former partner and a a few failed relationships that lead to me not getting pregnant I told myself I wasnt able to carry or conceive a child and I told this to Simon when I met him. And so I put my energy into my career and accepted what was handed to me by the God and Goddess, I wasnt destine to be a carer of one of their children. How I felt the day my period was due was the same with my first pregnancy with Gummi, the much wanted pregnancy was starting to feel like it was actually here and no I wasnt happy about it, I willed for my period to come, I told both Yaz and Renee that I was praying like mad for my period to start, that I thought I was pregnant and they knew I wasnt wanting it, even though meer days and weeks, months and even YEARS before hand I was wanting it very much, I prayed for this to Gummi and to the God and Goddess for it...and this is a natural and normal feeling in my eyes to be scared of such a big life changing thing, it comes as a shock to the system but we had started to set in place things we wanted. I remember getting a book out of the library called Your healthy pregnancy : a practical guide to enjoying your pregnancy by Doctor Miriam Stoppard. I read this book from New Year's day at night, until I had read it from front to back and I started planning out what I wanted to do in terms of exercise, the type of birth I wanted, what to eat etc for the next 9 months, I think it gave examples of foods and what they were good for etc, and also the  different types of drugs both natural and pharmaceutical and their effects etc. In my eyes it was a GOOD book and it was my bible, I planned to get her Your New Baby one out after I gave birth and many others of her books but alas I didnt get around to doing so! Essentially this was the only book I think I read on pregnancy and parenting while pregnant second to a Yoga in Pregnancy - another thing I planned to do in addition to swimming..!

So here I was on my big healthy natural high and then BAM 6wks 6days and my morning sickness started on the morning of my first scan and it didnt stop, it got to the degree where anything I ate or drank made me feel worse and eventually I avoided both in fear of being sick, it was like having an eating disorder all over again. Endless phonecalls to my doctor's practice and talks with the nurses and receptionist, eat foods with ginger, have small snacks often, you need to eat dry plain crackers as soon as you wake up, small sips of water, lemonaid, ginger beer, ginger ale you name it I tried it. Simon even ended up going to the supermarket and buying me some stuff that I liked at the time and seemed to be able to keep down a bit of. And mum would always put a packet of Healthries Potato Sticks on my pillow in the morning ready for when I woke up (by this stage Simon had moved back home with his parents into their new place, he also had just started his first job in NZ) - however nothing was working and I ended up in hospital on a fluid drip and having to be on meds because I had such a horrible headache and didnt have any energy to get up and do anything, I was misrable. I was discharged luckily without having to be in overnight on a ward with a script for Ondansetron and a reflux med (sorry I can not recall it without pulling the bottle out of the memory box!).

Ok so not what I planned, but those drugs which at the time were not fully funded for pregnancy due to being for cancer patients with chemo got me through to 16wks before I stopped vomiting. I also didnt invision that I would end up seperating with Simon by 12wks. And there is a long list of reasons why that happened some being the stress from the Earthquakes in Christchurch and Japan (I had friends, family and co workers involved in both), and a big BIG part surround my miscarraige of Gummi, when we split it was around the time of his birthday (due date) and I was by this stage 6wks ahead of what I was when I miscarried, how that was possible I had no idea. It is also recently I have read and learnt that Hypermesis Gravadium (which I had) causes so many problems in terms of relationships and what you feel as a woman. Its a horrible HORRIBLE illness to have when pregnant. ANYWAY - Those meds made me feel weak inside for not toughing it out or growing some balls as some say woman should do. I hated myself a bit for it and felt a bit of my vision and dream pregnancy slipping away some more. But they allowed me to actually DO things, I was able to eat and drink without fear and worry, without vomiting every 5 mins all day every day, I could get up and out of bed and go out and live my life, I was even able to go swimming with Yaz (short lived that was thanks to her partner) - Hypermesis Gravdium is NOT fun and it can be fatal sometimes for both mother and baby. I slowly weaned myself off them but it took 10wks till I was able to stop having them and keep my food down all day and everyday. I kept the antiacids going still but they werent a daily thing anymore for me, that and I found that Chocolate Milk helped me ALOT and the odd Quickeze (the last time I had them were when I was 12 and at Standard 4 camp after having Food Poisoning, Jamie-Lee gave me some to make me feel better!). As for food in pregnancy, I wasnt one to stick to the no you can not eat this or that, ok I did avoid things like soft cheese - not that I buy them much, only when Im having a party and putting out a cheese board. And I was good and didnt have soft service ice cream, but I ate my bacon and my ham and I LOVED it, every little biteful! Listeria what??? But my healthy foods soon started to move over a bit once my cravings started to kick in and who am I to deny my body of a cheeseburger, or salt and vinegar pringles or a chocolate caramel slice from Hollywood Bakery??

I had scares with no movement until I went down to the hospital, jumping on the trackers and finding all was perfectly fine. And I found our daughter being super active once I got home, she sure knew how to give me some grey hairs from the very start..!  I didnt have a midwife either as I went shared care with my GP who I trust with my life, and believe me seeing his face almost in tears when we both heard my daughter's heartbeat for the first time is something I will never forget. After all I have known my doctor since I was a toddler and I wouldnt be here today without him helping me with my depression. But I stayed with him because he SUPPORTED me and my choices, he wanted to keep things as natural as possible, he didnt want to medically intervine, infact he was reflucatant to give me medication for nearly everything, he was rather suprised I was getting meds for my Hypermesis.

 I ended up in hopsital in my second trimester with suspected food poisoning, yes yes I know you shouldnt eat bacon but in all honesty I had been eating from that pack for a couple of days now and I asked for those drugs again (what they wanted to give me I have a sensitivity too), because vomiting can cause contractions and I was starting to feel these happening so drugs were given to help stop me wanting to vomit. Not long after this I developed Symphis Pubis Dysfuntion and you got to start thinking is this really what pregnancy is all about? But I tried my best to not be one of these pregnant mums I use to read about over the years on the  forums that couldnt wait to have their baby out, and moaned about EVERYTHING. No I toughed alot of stuff out, at least online I did, but I spent alot of time in tears and getting angry and depressed with the lack of support from people who were not listening to me. I didnt want drugs to take the pain away, but I needed some answers and a natural way to fix it or at least help me get through to the end. This of course didnt happen until I was due and by this stage it was all too late and nothing could be done about it. I had to tough it out. I think back and these things werent mentioned in that book I had read...!!

I had my lovely drug free, natural water birth planned in my head. We got information in antenatal classes about some homeopathic drugs and Simon actually recommended I use them over drugs and so I had them on my list to get but sadly I wasnt able to get them.  I would have to be put on a order list and the expected delivery date was after my due date for most pharmacies and they couldnt garantee they could get them or those specific ones so I went without. We were shown a C-Sec and a natural home birth videos in those classes, boy were they scary to see esp the natural home birth one when your a first time expecting parent - I still remember all our shocked wincing sounds we made as that baby crowned..!! Simon use to joke about how a C Sec was the easy way and fast way to get a baby out. I vouchered to never watch or listen to anyone's birth stories after that - of course I was curious 6wks before I was due and watched a friend's freshly upload videos of her giving birth on you tube and I was rather sad and put off, seeing an induction and all the drugs she took on board, all of it filmed and seeing how there was no emotion and how much hard work it took for her to give birth - I vouchered after that some MAJOR changes with my birth plan, where I moreless put my plan into stone. Around this time I think alot of Simon's friends back home in England must of known my birth plans and were trying to get him to scare me into how painful giving birth was. I told him they were weak girls who didnt trust their bodies at all. I started to ignore and in some cases block people who gave negativity to me about how things will be when I gave birth and once my daughter was born, ignore their horror birth stories as mine wasnt going to be like that no way (ok and if you have read mine or I have told you about it I guess in a way mine is a bit of a horror story but I went in with a positive mind!).

But watching One Born Every Minute resently got me thinking about how easy they gave out drugs and kept them there while mothers gave birth in the UK. A big part of me wants to experience a pregnancy and birth in the UK to compare it to NZ. I already shared my pregnancy with my friend Cordy in the USA and it was rather suprising seeing the differences in care and delivery. And I still strongly believe if she hadnt been booked in for a C-Sec and allowed to go naturally she would of probably more than likely have gotten her VBAC. Which makes me partly glad that in NZ they seem to push for this. C-Sec are after all major surgery that really should only be kept for major emergancies or for real proper medical reasons where the baby (and if possible the mother too) are at true risk.

I read everything in the notes we got from our classes fully in my last few weeks trying to educate myself on knowing what labour was, how would I know I would be in labour?? What does a contraction feel like? And what I didnt know until after labour started and I gave birth is that I just needed to trust my body, and I would KNOW when it was the real thing. (I told my educator this nearly a year after our daughter was born) and the one thing I wished one of my friends who had children told me was this - to TRUST your body, your body is designed to give birth. We would not be able to have babies if were not able to then give birth to them afterwards..!

My birth didnt go to plan fully, my daughter passed mocanium in the waters, I had a midwife in duty who didnt give me any support at all, I highly doubt she read my birth plan because not long after I arrived at the hospital she wanted to just give me drugs to deal with it all and I said NO - I mean come on lady be a little bit more supportive I wasnt in major pain at this stage, I was still walking about somewhat. I wanted my water birth and the pool she said she was filling on the phone to me a couple of hours before hand. Little did I know she never had filled this pool. Perhaps if she had, things would of been a heck of alot different, I probably would of been alot more calm. Actually if she had been more supportive and showed me how to breath and was calm and nice herself I probably would of had more convidence in myself and not start to develop fears. Thankfully Simon hadnt come with his mates views on me giving birth and instead supported and helped me through things. He remembered I wanted nice visions painted on what I would be doing. I could see a bit of that man I first met 10 months earlier that day, the guy who caught me as i collapsed in his shower and took me to hospital....

I welcomed that hand over and some new midwives who were a bit more happy and warm and supportive. Those words I had been waiting to hear were spoken of "filling the pool" and I was getting excited and happy in my dazed state I was in slightly. However due to my waters having been pooped in by my darling daughter that suddenly got ripped away. And all of sudden things too a drastic turn, I dont know if I went into panic or what happen to me as I lost control and I just want to push, my contractions were in full swing and so I was put on gas to stop me wanting to push, and I was put into an ambulance and rushed to the main hospital. I wasnt happy taking the gas, and I wasnt shown how to use it so I would suck it in and then out again from my mouth, bit like I use too when I tried smoking 10yrs prior...! I took in enough each suck to knock myself out and put myself into a state that my body did what it had to do. None of this was going to plan BUT as much as I didnt want gas I guess it was the next best thing to going complete drug free. I must admite I didnt pay much attention in Chemistry, so I dont know much about the gas apart from Oxygen and Nitrous Oxide more so I dont know much about Nitrous Oxide.....I was the girl who liked to mix things, I was a hands on, and only did well with sums and stuff if given the equation and an example...... ANYWAY - It got me through my contractions and I gave birth with nothing, that gas was taken away and I did it all myself with determinantion (see this is what I was refering too in regards to One Born Every Minute, they KEEP the gas with the woman while pushing), the fact my daughter was going to distress and her heart rate was declining being inside is what push this determinaiton to get her out - I felt her coming through, it hurt yes, it was like a big chinese burn, like the ones my sister would give me when I was little or worse my dad....yes yes just like dad's chinese burns when I begged him to stop - instead I was regretting the fact I didnt work harder on my relationship with Simon because perhaps we could of done those massages we read about in the antenatal class notes when we got them a few months prior.

I tore badly but it was because she tipped her head back as she was coming out during her distress and after all I was pushing with all my might and will power to get her out (I will admit that not long before I was told I was 10cms I did think in my head just take me to have a c-sec this hurts like crazy, Im going to get cramp in my legs and Im going to disgrace myself with pee and poo! Then I thought dont be so silly girl, that is major surgery, they will cut your stomach open, you have gone 25yrs without any surgery except a couple of minor ones on your toe and fufu to stitch it up from an assault you CAN do this and that thought of C-Sec was gone out of my head as fast as it popped in). When our daughter was born, she was put on me right after she was born - I would have to look at the videos again to see if her cord was cut before or after this, but there was no crawlling up to me but there was her lifting her head up and looking at me and me looking down at her, there was no instant latching because she was taken away to be seen too and I was being stitched up after I was given my jab to bring on my placenta. And while I know this isnt natural it was weighed up greatly when my birth plan was written up with a midwife during a hospital visit, for medical reasons as I was on iron suppliments and my previous blood condition history (I have had low platlette levels and pro long bleeding time, in addition to low blood pressure) it was decided to not risk anything and give it.

I had a lactation nurse help me with feeding, my biggest hurdle was breastfeeding, I was scared about the whole process and the changes to my breasts, because for me for so long my breasts were a sexual item, they were an asset  to my body and my career - and no I dont work in the sex industry but believe me as a woman, your boobs help you out alot in Hospitality...!! I think I was also scared about how my body would react to a baby sucking my nipple given how it react to a man sucking  and playing with them. I also didnt like having my boobs out on public display for people to see and touch, they were private things and Im from the western world here. So this was a bit of a learning curve that would and has taken many months to over come having my breasts out in front of people, especially those I dont know or those who arent parents themself. But I had done it and in my books that to me was as nature intended, what happened was written in fate's book.

And while we had agreed that breast was best and what our daughter would have I also wanted her to have a bottle so that she could have bonding time with daddy. So he felt like he was doing something and for a long time after our daughter's birth Simon didnt feel like a father, he felt like he had no role apart from changing nappies and holding his daughter, he wanted to do something for her that was caring for her, and this was them spending that bonding time with a bottle of milk. So he brought a pump for me to express off and he brought all the bottles for her she has (90% of them at least). But then I got very ill after 3 days and I was so hot that I was freezing cold, I had a dozen layers on me to keep my warm, getting out to go to the toilet sent me in a shivvering cold compulsion and so did getting my breast out, anything from my neck down that wasnt covered by these layers left me shivering. So Simon made the call to go and get a stick of formula and a bottle from the supermarket to give to his daughter, but doesnt mean we are bad unnatural parents. He made a promise to not let our daughter starve and he had great joy in doing something to help his daughter and me too while I was sick. He was my big support and help with breastfeeding, he would be the one who would latch her on cause I was terrible at missing the cues to latch her on. He would sit with us and massage his daughter's head and play with her feet and stuff so she didnt get sleepy, and he would take her off me right away and wind her. So yes we had formula for the odd top up, sometimes it was what was needed once a week to help settle things down after having a baby attached to my boobs nearly all day and all night, and me not getting any sleep, rest let alone a meal in after a day or so. We did discover though that formula that was GOLD reacted with her, so we stopped using it, we thought hey its got all these extras in it so its got to be good for her right? But when I started comparing the two the gold sticks to the standard sticks I found extras, and she didnt need these extras really because she was getting them from me.

When my PND kicked in, my supply started to drop a bit. And formula started to increase because of this. Not only that but all the negative attitudes and comments I got at work about expressing milk off and how grosse it was and the laughs from my co workers - I realised before long that breastfeeding in places like Asia was frowned upon it seemed and I thought this was very sad. I said to my co workers that when you are pregnant your body produces milk, this is the food for baby, its good for them, its healthy and natural. But those comments and those laughs scared me from that day on and I just couldnt face going back to work. I wont even go there with the strange looks I got from a guy in my department as I was carrying my bottle of milk to my little fridge and back out again when I was going home. Not a father obviously.... definately not an uncle....or educated man maybe?  And  when I decided to change jobs, I ended up with an unsupportive boss who didnt like breastfeeding mothers, she thought it was horrible, and she didnt like woman who breastfeed openly in her restaurant that she managed. While I said to her in my interview that I wasnt a fan of openly flopping my boob out for all to see, I recall I have never had a problem with it, I always make breastfeeding mums feel happy and welcomed but also give them comfort and privacy away from the public eye if they want it. I remember not long after I started this new job having a breastfeeding mother come in and thankfully my boss wasnt on that day but I felt a connection as a breastfeeding mum to give her somewhere nice and comfty. I sadly lost this job 6wks later and that one comment from my boss when she fired me really hurt - not only did she fire me for being sick and that I wanted to go see my deceased son, she made a comment about how they didnt know what to talk to a mother about other than breastfeeding.... again uneducated non parent. What would you know? You havent felt that connection of having a child..! But after working there my supply just dropped more and more. My sister had a negative attitude towards me the day I fell ill 3 days post delivery when my milk came in, about us using formula, but this was OUR child, and in all honesty there was no way i was going to use someone elses milk, definately not her milk, smoker and all. The thought made me want to vomit. Infact the thought of using someone elses milk made me sick, it just didnt sit with me because I didnt know what was in there milk, not only that it made me feel like a terrible parent because I couldnt supply that much milk. Milk is the only things I will not give to someone else or accept from someone else all other organs I am happy and fine with (but then they are usually screened and found compatible 99% of the time). I always feel such anger from people towards those who use formal, like we are faliures for not being super woman in producting milk - but maybe that is just how Nature intended our life path to be perhaps? We arent starving our child, we are adapting to a change that for us is becoming natural. We still feel a bond when we give our baby a bottle, ok sure as they get older and independant and want to hold it themself....there are still other ways.

I use to have a major negative attitude to some of my friends who were bottle feeding their newborns - but I took the time to find out why, and I didnt make them feel bad about it, I gave them support. For some they were suffering great stress from it, to the point it was nearly causing them to get PND and once they made the change they started to improve. For others they had no choice, they wanted to feed very much but their body just wasnt designed for it and that was how Mother Nature made them. Like the plum you pull off a tree with a big dent in it, its not rotten and mushy, its still eatable its just got a major dimple in it and didnt end up being nice and round and perfect. That is how nature intended it to be right? There is alot of negativity surrounding medical intervention and some of the medical science we have today, I actually LIKE alot of this new medical science, because we are able to learn more and more each day about things. I like to think about all those Pagans who were just living a natural life style off the land, in tune with life and what it had to offer and how they were killed horribly because they had the "mark of the Devil" and in recent times we have learnt that there are things like depression, tumours and cancer, birth marks and disabilities that have all come about from how our genetics and chromosomes have formed together from our mother and father. That is how nature intended us to be in most cases, definately not something evil. Sure a C-Sec may not be natural, but how many babies are alive today because of it? Ive seen it on TV but Im sure its inspired from real life but you see cases of women who have sadly ended up in a coma or brain dead and on life support pregnant, keeping a healthy baby alive until it can be born - how else do you expect it to come out? And those who are against plant or other animal based milk, what are their views then on transplants using artifical things or animal parts? Pigs are the next compatible with us for skin and valves for the hearts....even Kidneys if I remember rightly. What about those woman who can not have babies naturally either because of them with their ovaries and eggs or their partners with their testicals and sperm? Or because they have a genetic condition they dont want to pass on...? Is IVF and AI not natural then?

End of the day our/my daughter is happy and healthy, infact she is alot more healthy than other babies I know who have been very sick and were breastfeed and not vaccinate etc sure it may not be the Wiccan way of life and my how nature intended it to be vision I had 2yrs ago or what I originally read in that bood or in the copies of The Natural Parenting Magazine (who are very against formula feeders) I got while I was pregnant and not long after I gave birth, but I am proud of ME, proud of US and what we  have all gone through and how we have climbed up and over these mountains put in front of us. Dont get me wrong I read alot of things in that magazine that I thought YES I am so doing that and finally something that supported what I feel and believe in, but once reality hit, it didnt go as planned. Plans changed all the time.

So what is as Nature Intened?

Living Life with Post Natal Depression

Postnatal Distress (PND) Awareness Week runs from the 17th to the 25th of November. One in six women will experience mental illness in the first year after giving birth. A third of those women will still be experiencing symptoms when their child is two years old.

For more information: www.pmhnz.org.nz

www.postnataldistress.org.nz

 

**This entry contains some hurtful truths, that may upset and anger some people, please do not take it personally, that is not my intention, I just want to tell my story about living life with Post Natal Depression. This IS a real thing and it is something that is both highly common with woman who have had a baby, but it is also very much shoved under the carpet and frowned upon, almost like a weakness.**

Our First Day together - 18th September 2011

My beautiful micracle - how could I ever be so lucky to have you here, alive and in my arms? The God and Goddess only knows what I did right to have you make it this far, and for me to be gifted finally with one of their precious creations. I have so many things I want to do with you, to show you, teach you and much more. While my labour was somewhat fast, it wasnt fully to plan, not the plan I had in place, that I built up and visualised in my head for so many weeks and months. The last min things I put into place prior to giving birth were not respected, infact nothing was. I was ignored in many ways from the very start, I wasnt listened too, I was never respected or supported fully by all around me, friends, family, co workers and medical professionals. Over time this has all built up like a gas, and it is only a matter of time before it will all blow up in a full on volcanic eruption. Spewing lava and ash across all paths.

The early signs were there from the start, losing my natural drug free water birth to having one on my back in a bed with gas and panic setting in place. My sister ringing me mins after giving birth disrupting my bonding time with my daughter, our vital skin to skin contact, my sister ringing up all the hospitals to find where I was and get any sort of information and this being given out - my sister rocking on up to the hospital within mins of me arriving yet again disrupting the rare bonding and skin to skin contact I got with my daughter at the previous hospital due to having to have surgery to repair tears post deliver (I was lucky to not make it into theatre after delivery). My sister rocking on up to the NEXT hospital the following day not long after arriving yet again disrupting all bonding and rest. All along I made it clear to her that I didnt want any of this to happen meer days before hand!!!?? I didnt want any visitors except immediate family with my prior permission until 6wks of age when Amelia had her first lot of jabs, and we have started to get into a routine and I had recovered and rested up somewhat. I didnt want anything plastered all over the internet by anyone, I wanted to do this myself in my own time. Sure people probably knew something was up if they hadnt seen me online for a few days. But my sister didnt once respect this at all, right down to her posting photos all over facebook without my prior knowledge or permission to people I dont even know asking to see them...!!! Before I even got the chance to announce my daughter's birth - I never did get to do this in the end, not in a facebook status, instead I was flooded with texts and facebook messages that I came  home too, they had all read it on facebook thanks to my sister. I never got to post my OWN first photo, the official news from my mouth because she had already done this. I didnt even get to put a notice in the local paper here in NZ let alone one in the paper where Simon lived in England. Part of me holds a little bit of anger to my mum for calling her that morning when I went into labour, but I dont hold it against her, she wasnt the cause of all that happened afterwards. She was my person - she respected me and what I wanted.

I started to slip into depression then - in that first week when I didnt get to do what I wanted. That first month is a bit of a blur, it goes by so fast. I look back at photos and the few rare videos I did take and I just can not recall any of it. I read through old texts to Simon and it appears to be strange and odd. I slowly sunk deep down into depression and it definately wasnt from lack of sleep either.Reading alot of those old texts to Simon really hurt, I deleted well over 7000 texts to and from him, the ones from when my PND first started and hit its peak hurt the most to read and I couldnt delete them from my phone.

Around Halloween when Amelia was 6wks old, Simon got offered a new job, I was soooo happy as he had been made redundant and it came into effect two days before she was born (he had been on stress leave since July and put on meds due to the stress, I wasnt happy about the meds not one bit). Amelia also started to sleep through the night and I was falling asleep fine, and getting a good nights rest, my milk supply was going well too. But this new job wasnt all it was cracked out to be - with it brought Simon not having our little girl over night, infact we went a few months without seeing him because he was at work alot, it was hard, I didnt get a break, I was stuck at home with the same thing every day, like a broken record stuck on repeat or something and my friends slowly started ditching me when I really needed them. They rarely replied to my texts, and if they did text me it was purely to ask how Amelia was doing, or how Simon was. It was never about me, they never once asked me out anywhere or anything like that. Sometimes they would ask what I was doing and things like just changing Amelia's nappy, or hanging Amelia clothes and nappies out, feeding Amelia came back with a oh neat im off to blah blah concert, or having lunch/movie date with so and so....its soooooo brillant and amazing. Just made me feel like crap. 

6wks of age - When it all started

Their attitudes were so horrible and I will never ever forget or forgive - being sperated from my daughter's dad for 7 months at the time and living with my mum, they expected everything to be fine that my mum would fix it all and that I had her so all was well, and that Simon would fix everything too, after all he is the father to my child. Like they were the two people I only needed in life... All I wanted was some normality, I wanted to go out and have a cuppa, window shopping, go for a walk what ever with some friends, I wanted someone to come and see us. But I was a mother now and I was pawned off to the mummy club, I was told by my so called best friends of 10-20yrs to go join some mummy groups online and hang out with my mummy friends - cause yes that was easy enough to do to go see them when they live on the other side of the country and in some cases the world..! Sure its easy to get from Auckland to Wellington or Christchurch, or from New Zealand to England or America..... I got so fustrated and hurt. In this time they would be going out to cafes, malls, other places with their friends and co workers, going on trips, getting engaged and doing other things...leaving me out of it all. Plus how would online groups help Amelia with Social contact?? I wanted her to have friends to learn from, that were her own age and at the same development stage, I wanted friends who also had children yes that I could bounce ideas off and compare things with if needed. Sure I joint a few groups but like my prenatal ones, I was cyber bullied so badly in them, in some cases by the same people.

Their lives were too busy with work and partners and friends to even remotely think about me. I quote one of my long term friends saying "she had a household to run and a full time job" - more so planning her wedding to her fiance she just got engaged too two weeks before I gave birth was the important thing, but then I remember all through my pregnancy her cancelling out on our swimming dates due to her partner. The novity had worn off. What I wasnt running any form of household because I had a child? Sorry I am not at work while I took unpaid leave off to give birth and I havent been able to go back yet..! Sorry I dont work full time and can jump in and out of jobs and be rolling in money like you. Not even my family seemed to really bother with me, I had a baby and they were not impressed from the very start. Babies are meant to be born to couples that are made up of a man and woman in a commited relationship long term, with full time jobs, high degrees and educations, with their own home and lots of money according to some of them - according to my step siblings. Not even my father had been in contact with me, after all his reply to me when I told him his granddaughter was born was "ok" and he had only seen her once, and it was purely because Simon said we should just rock on up to their house. To this day I havent seen my father since or heard from him. My sister and her 4 children are more important than me and my miracle child. But even when she had 2 child he wasnt interested in me and my baby that died. By the time Simon started his new job I had seen two of my friends ONCE, one friend I went over and saw her and she ended up starting a new job that week, and the other came over and saw me, she took photos of Amelia, promised to send me some via email when she got home. This never happened - infact I waited three months and after asking many times via texts and facebook messages for them before I gave up and cut my ties with her. She turnt bitterly nasty to me and sent a horrible email. Which just made things worse for me with my PND. Her life clearly was far to important over being a friend to me now that I had a baby. This was after all my so called best friend, the first person who knew I was in hospital when my son died 4.5yrs earlier. One of the first people I told I was pregnant with Amelia a few days before we did the test. The one who said she would be there for me if Simon wasnt when I went into labour....she was in a way my person.At the time Simon has lost one of his co workers that he made friends with in a car accident. Simon wanted Amelia more and I was in the process of building up their once a week overnight stays into two nights. A great big change, it would mean potentially more formula over breastmilk, but at the same time Amelia was starting to be interested in solids. Its was a huge change.

My GP had gone on 3 months sebatical leave after he saw Amelia at 6wks of age, I was a late referal to Plunket, so he saw her instead. I had done a test back then that they have all new mothers take, my PHQ9 score was sitting at 17 but he was confident I would be ok while he was away. But over the duration of him being away I wasnt, my Plunket Nurse spotted the signs, she noted how when she arrived I would be one person and when she left I would have perked up into another person, the social contact with someone other than my daughter and mum was what I needed she noted. She tried her best to help me, made extra visits to see us and went over and beyond the call of duty at Amelia's Well Child provider. I hated when she left, I feared it, I never wanted her to leave. PAFT came into play just before Xmas, and I hated the woman, she was horrible, and while I wanted social contact I didnt want her around. I went down hill over Xmas, into a dark hole to the point I no longer loved my daughter, I felt nothing for her, I would stay in bed and not want to get up to her, she wouldnt stop crying, I couldnt get her to sleep, to bring her wind up, or anything. I wouldnt stop crying, I wanted to died and in some cases I wanted to start self injury up again. I eventually gave up on my friends, they werent there for me when I was crying out for help. They told me to get help, to go on meds and that I was selfish in having a child, that I had no idea how lucky I was. One friend's attitude was that I purely had Amelia to keep Simon in the country, to prevent him from going back to England - this wasnt the case at all. All the little **hugs** comments and Your Daughter loves you, that is all you need in life comments and other bullshit on facebook to me really pissed me off and didnt help at all. Could these people NOT see that I wanted someone to come and see me, to invite me out, to make some change to the nappy changes and feeding that came with having a newborn baby?? Someone to just come over and make me a sandwich and watch Amelia so I could have a shower which I rarely got, I would be lucky if I had one once a week if not once a month - long enough to let me wash my hair and shave my legs. Someone to watch her while I had a nana nap - because sleeping when she was never worked for me, this was the time I got my mojo and was able to clean and do things. After all come 6wks of age, Amelia has ditched her day naps...!

When New Years arrived, I took Amelia to one of my friend's house for the night, I feared this being pure hell with a new baby, but infact it wasnt, it was a great night, being in social contact with people, some who I knew from previous parties my friend had hosted over the past year that I had known her from Uni. And Amelia was a dream - except for the fact I stayed up WAY to late and by the time I went to sleep she was up for the day not long after..! I wasnt out of the dark hole though. I had already arrange with Simon's parents that they could have Amelia on New Year's Day (I had seen them at the supermarket on New Year's Eve and they were happy I was going to see some friends) and I got a break finally from Amelia for the night, it was bliss, but I sadly didnt miss her at all. I didnt cry when they left, I didnt pine for her all night at all. Infact I felt nothing at all. And I knew this was something to be worried about. Infact this was about the time I started to not go to sleep at night and my periods were officially back to being regular, I struggled, Amelia was sleeping through the night but I wasnt able to go to sleep not until around 3-4am at least. I faught so much with Simon, he wanted to have her more but I was scared about what it would do to my milk supply and that she would start to wean off and reject me, but I wanted her gone at the same time. I didnt want her around anymore. I started to hate her, I no longer loved her. Simon knew he needed to help out more with his daughter and that she needed him. Many friends of mine were pregnant and due with babies and they couldnt understand what I was going through, how I could say such things about my daughter - why would they?? They didnt know what Post Natal Depression was. But then they didnt come to see me, they didnt talk to me or anything like that. I did however try to remain positive for them and not inflict fear into any of them, in a way I tried so hard to make sure they wouldnt go through what I was.

My GP finally came back from leave and I couldnt wait any longer, sadly I was 5 mins later to my appointment and they wouldnt let me see him, I was so angry and upset, they knew how I was feeling...so I had to wait a LONG week to see him again and due to memory problems I forgot my appointment and had to rebook again. FINALLY I got in to see him. My PHQ9 result was super high, and so treatment was started. However my GP respected my wishes in not wanting medication, he also didnt want to give me meds due to breastfeeding Amelia, he didnt want her on Formula due to the cost associated with it. Formula isnt cheap..! Instead he went with a green script, he ordered Social Contact, I needed to get out and be with people, see friends and being involved with some type of play group, exercise, that wasnt light but wasnt heavy either - but I suck at exercise, I need someone to team up with to motivate me. He also suggested I went back to work, to keep my brain occupied with something other than the repeated work of having a new baby. And so I went back to work after my unpaid leave was up after 14wks. I was so excited, but was made to feel worse by comments from my co workers about breastfeeding - they were another lot that didnt seem to really care that I was pregnant or had my daughter it felt. Infact to date they havent even been in contact or anything, other co workers since me with babies are top on their lists. I am forgotten and while we are facebook friends, this means nothing really at all and everyday I wonder how many have defriended me.

Nearly 6 months old - up at Poppa's Grave

6 months on and I was enjoying the time away from Amelia, and Simon had been doing well with his job he had been promoted a couple of times, his days became fixed and we were able to arrange when he would have Amelia each week, this was a Wednesday/Thursday. I also started to let him have Amelia for longer, a whole 24hrs. With the school term starting back I was able to get into Mums n Bubs Yoga and I also started to go to the Coffee Group up at my local Plunket Rooms. But it all came crashing down come March, Simon had left his previous job as things werent going well after that death of his co worker and started a new one not long afterwards, and my son's "birthday" had arrived, I stopped going to playgroup and my sessions at Yoga finished and the new intake were all mums with much younger babies - new born nearly, and they sort of knew each other prior. By this stage Amelia had started to sit up on her own and was rolling around everywhere. She was more advance to those at Playgroup, the sessions were moved to another location also and she was way ahead of those at yoga. I was invited to go to Pilates but by now my PND was controling my sleeping so I stopped all of them. I was sleeping well until midday, and I wasnt getting to sleep until the early hours of the morning. I changed my shifts from days to nights again at work to fit in with everything. But it was falling apart again. Simon was still having Amelia regularly but we were having the odd fight now and then about stuff. Just silly stuff, stuff that would really make me depressed and lose my col and patience. They usually were around the time when I was due for my period. When we met I had my period and he had only been with me for a few weeks when I got my last period before falling pregnant with Amelia so he never knew me well like Rob did with my moodswings around my periods (Rob knew my dates well too).

Come May I decided it was time to move on from my job, it wasnt working out, my boss had moved to Australia and I wasnt happy that my support team had gone, I hated my temporary boss because of his communication levels and I never really got on well with him fully when he use to be my boss when I first started there. So I just stopped going to work, I managed to get a new job and finally I started to see a light at the end of the tunnel - by this stage Simon had started another new job and we were finally working things out well with when he would have Amelia. I even started to go back to Playgroup again and I was going to start doing Pilates again and also start doing swimming lessons too. I was happy and my GP had noticed a complete change in me. I also Judged the Auckland Regional Culinary Fare too. But it was short lived, in the terms that I ended up having to be at work all the time, any time off I had to go in for training or meetings, or I would be called in to cover someone, if I was on call I was needed, they had started a GrabOne deal and I didnt get a break at all after this, I never saw Simon when he came to get Amelia or dropped her back off again, infact it got to the degree where I rarely saw Amelia or Simon at that and I actually started to miss her. She consumed my thoughts all the time at work. I would see the Rescuse chopper take off and my mind always said a silent pray to my son to make sure his little sister was ok and safe, I knew she was but it was hard. My boss always made a point about how she wasnt a mother, and this became a daily thing me being a parent around my co workers, but I was determined to make things work, I could be a working mother, I needed this very much for my mental well being and for Amelia's too, and to try and save mine and Simon's relationship. Our little family depended on this. Then I fell ill with a chest/ear/thorat infection the day after my birthday and I wasnt able to go up to the cemetry to see my Poppa and Son for their Anniversaries - it was after all 5yrs since my son died and nearly 26yrs since my Poppa died and my boss didnt like this at all that I decided to go to the cemetry instead of work (I was medically off work until I could hear again in my ears and on medical advice if I wasnt better after a week I was to extend my certificate) and so she fired me after 6wks of being there for moreless being a mother. I never did get to make it up the cemetry since that day. And to add to that Simon stopped wanting Amelia more as he was always at work, and this just made things worse for me. The days changed to when he would have her also and I wasnt able to plan my weeks anymore because he shifts were always changing (so much for the fixed days and hours I was told when he started).

I went spiralling back down again into depression and I started to hate Amelia again and all my hard work started to fall apart. Big fights started up with Simon and I just couldnt handle anything anymore. I didnt want to be here anymore, my career was over and I was sick with a very long chest infection - which after I finally got better from I came down with a gastro virus. I finally got better again but came down with another chest infection, I judged and competed in the National Culinary Comps while I was very ill. It took me a while to get over it and I finally did when I came down with yet another infection...! It didnt help that Amelia was sick too with the same thing but minor cases, she was also cutting a tooth each time. Come Amelia's birthday I was depressed, over all the happenings in the past year. Nothing went to plan, it was a year of hell and I didnt enjoy 90% of it at all. For me it marked a year of disappointment, sorrow and many more things. I failed to see the positives in it all. Though I try so hard to think about them and what they are - partly why I have never updated anything to what she has done like I planned too. And then I got hit an infection in my eye which sent me down more - Amelia was also knocked with a gastro bug again for a few days, I couldnt see or do anything, I couldnt work, I couldnt drive, I stopped going to playgroup again and doing everything. I became dependant on my mum so much and had arguements with Simon. Just resently I have  been dignosed with an inflammatory disease which has left me lost in many thoughts about what I can and can not do. I have so many questions unanswered and I feel let down by so many people yet again. Friends, family, co workers and medical professionals. Even my friends I have made at playgroup dont come to see me, I will never return to the Plunket Rooms for this group anymore because I dont feel comfortable there, I feel excluded and judged and its a continual battle trying to control my over active child who is more advance to the others of her age group. While they say I am welcomed, I do not feel like going back there - I am however happy to be around them away from this place though.

I feel terrible that I fight so much with Simon when things do not go my way, when I can not control our daughter, 90% of the time I fee like a failure and a crap mum, many days I wish the God and Goddess has taken her back too, and sometimes when I am very down, my mind things about those who have been trying for so long to have a baby and how they could potentially give our daughter more than what I am giving her. Its a horrible thought system to have take over your brain, and many people keep telling me I need drugs to fix it - what they dont know is that these drugs do not do anything. Its those people who say those things, who dont give support and help that just give and do more damage to what is already there. They do not support or understand letting Nature takes it course or how to do things naturally. I beg like crazy to Simon to help me, and I know that my words come out harsh to him and they hurt it, all I want is HELP, and he is the only one that I know who can help ME with OUR daughter, I dream of the day when I can freely take her to his place and not be dependant on him for everything, I dream of the day when we can be a family, and be like we were when we would all sit down around a table and have dinner together - I was 5wks pregnant the last time, I had visions in my head of our daughter sitting at the table with us eating dinner once she was born.....(bit like in the opening credits of Full House in a way I guess). Most of all I dream of the day when Amelia can be with her daddy longer than what she already spends with him. I dream of the day when he will get up in the middle of the night and bring her into me to be feed, something that has only every happened once she was a week old, but instead he let me sleep and he stayed up all night with her and feed her bottles. Because how things are at the moment hurt too much - I hate when she comes back home because she is still in "Daddy Zone" and she appears angry and upset that Daddy must leave and go home. Counting down the days to when we see him again is horrible, it consumes alot of my time and usually come midweek I am over it and want to be rescued by someone from her..!

One year together - 18th September 2012

Every month is a reminder of what has happened over the past year - like a year prior. I seem to recall everything that happened at that time the year before. Everyday is a continual battle for me now - I stand on mutual ground with my daughter, I love her to death but she also does things that really pulls me down and I can not cope. I live a very lonely life, most will say I pushed people away, but this isnt fully true, I have cried for help for well over a year now but people left me as they didnt understand a single thing and they still dont. Everyday is the same for me, there is no joy or excitement such things are rare and I struggle with trying to find the beauty in things now. The biggest thing I want is to be happy, to be wanted, to be loved and to have a break from my daughter that is longer than over night once a week.

Most of all I want to be ALIVE again because that day in that delivery room - I DIED. I started dying the day I found out I was pregnant, I was turning into a different person, but when she was born it was the day I died. I went to hell after that. I dont believe in hell with my religion there is no such thing, but I feel like someone picked me up and dropped me down a volcanoe to the centre of the earth.

For me life with PND is horrible, alot of people I know who have had it had managed to climb up over it but they seem to have happy lives with a loving devoted husband, supportive family and friends and go places, do things and other exciting things I can only dream of. I dont know what the future holds for me. I no longer plan things because of  my PND. I do not enjoy parenthood anymore, I do not see the joy in it. Because PND has killed me. My life that was died the day I became a parent and PND took over. I have cut myself from many things due to being bullied, but many people are not aware of what further damage they do to a new parent suffering from PND, how much worse they make it.

This is my life, and as hard as I try to change things, I can not see through the dark. All I can do it ride it out and pray like crazy to the God and Goddess that I do not screw up and I am allowed to be happy again and most of all the turn a light on somewhere down this dark tunnel soon!

My Birth Story - The Arrival of Amelia Chloë

16th Sept 2011 - Lucky last Bump pic!! Two days before giving birth.

The Birth Plan -

Natural Active Drug Free Water Birth.

Birthing in a water pool with no drugs except for Homeopathic Remedies, Music, Water, Massage, Breathing Techniques and a Calming Environment.

Simon and my Mum present at the birth.

No Assigned Midwife - Shared Care between GP and Papakura Maternity Unit.

 - Now I had this pretty picture painted in my head right, and I personally believe it was the bestest thing I ever did was to create this image and to block out all negative comments, and those stories people like to tell you about sleepless nights and what a long drawn out labour they had and all the other glory details of their very horrific labour, the pain, the drugs, etc etc. I said to myself thats your story and it doesnt mean my labour and birth is going to be like that. I think the worse thing anyone can do for a first time mother when she is close to giving birth is to inflict fear into their mind about giving birth. I must admit I did watch the full video of a friend giving birth and it really scared the crap out of me, BUT I also put into place ALOT of things I DID NOT want happening at my birth after watching it. These were to be that NO ONE was to tell me to push at all, except for the lead midwife telling me when I could start pushing and what type of push to do. I also didnt want it to be filmed or any photos to be taken to an excessive degree. To date since giving birth I have not done such a thing to all my friends who have given birth after I had my daughter, I answered their questions and did the best I could to not scare them but to keep it happy and positive. And I hope if your reading this your not freaked out and scared by it all, instead do what I did with remaining positive and taking each birth story/video with a grain of salt and not taking on fear and you will find you will go into things a bit more happy and healthy minded (and if you read through previous blog posts, I didnt always have the happy healthy pregnancy the whole way through) and to trust yourself and your body, plus your birthing partner. Here is my birth story. :o)

The Last Day of Pregnancy -

It was Saturday the 17th of September, I was 8 days over due and fed up with it all by this stage and getting tired and sore. I had really bad Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction (SPD) which was causing me alot of discomfort and pain when ever I moved. I spent the day in bed mostly sleeping on and off, infact I didnt get out of my PJs until near to 2pm. It was a strange and odd day. I watched a bit of Wiggles on TV followed by a touch of Stars In Their Eyes. Some guy was singing a song that I can no longer recall the words too but I can hear the tune and the singer's last name he was posing as is Bell. Ohhh the Irony..!! It was raining all day, and I didnt go out anywhere. I just stayed home, depressed and not myself.

Towards the evening, I started an argument with Simon, it was really silly and completely hormone driven. I just wanted our daughter out NOW..!! Come midnight before I settled in for the night, I planted some crops on my Cityville on Facebook. It was a great risk, but I said to myself naaah she wont be coming, I can harvest these in the morning no sweat!

At 12.46am I told Simon that my pelvis was hurting again, as well as my back and tummy,  I also told him that weight lost was a sign of labour (I had been reading up on labour from our notes we got in June/July from Antenatal Classes, I seriously didnt know if I would know what labour was, how I will I know if its the real thing, that that is it, a real true contraction and not just the normal pains and ligaments stretching that comes with pregnancy.) - I said to him that I had been 109kgs on Friday 16th, 107kgs that morning and then I was 105kgs right then and there. I was just testing out this so called sign of labour theory for a joke...He told me that he really didnt know that birth was going to happen. For the next hour I just got angry and stroppy with him telling him I wanted her out and saying how much I wasnt enjoying it anymore, the discomfort in my pelvis and all. (Seriously SPD is NOT nice at all, its like breaking glass in your pelvis and almost debilitating that pain.). By 1.30am I was telling him how I had reflux and a really sore tummy. Its a bit like period pains or the needing to poo or throw up tummy pain.

The Start of Labour -

He told me it was sleep time for me, I told him I thought I was having contractions. He said to me really? Right now?? How do you know? I told him how the pain reached into my back and I couldnt move. He asked if it was more than the normal pain. I said to him it was more sharp and renching that the dull ache I had from the weight of our daughter. He commented about how my waters had not broken. Rather cute and how utterly wrong it is when your told in Antenatal that is usually the first to go sort of thing I guess. It is rather amazing how you hold out for your waters to break to know that your in labour over contractions. And as we will discover this wasnt the case for me, and its not like they show you in the movies!

By 1.53am I had texted him (this was how we were communicating btw) that for every 10mins since 1am I had contractions going through my back. He told me to wait and see if it develops, but I think he slightly was concerned when I said every 10mins. By this stage I started to get a migrain headache. There was about a 15min break without anything, I had not by this stage woken my mum....I wanted her to get some sleep, and come 2.33am for the past half hour they started to become 5mins apart. This was when Simon went all silent on me and I started to feel alone. My worse fear of going into labour in the middle of the night and him being asleep was starting to become a reality. I just wanted him there with me. By 2.45am my bloody show had come through and my contractions were starting to get more intense in pain. And hour later, still on my own with mum asleep, Simon was out to it, not replying to me - it just so happened to be a night where he took one of his sleeping tablets too!! I had at this stage gone into the lounge, sat down at the computer and looked at it and told myself no I am NOT going to fire the computer up and put anything on Facebook...I have for so long told myself I would not do such a thing, I wouldnt be one of woman who is in the middle of labour and sitting either on Facebook updating my status or on the Trade Me Message Board or other forum giving all the updated to the minute details like I was giving a live news report to the BBC! Instead I was calm and took a pen and a pad of paper and started to write down everything. This was just incase it was a false alarm, and i had it there to report to the hospital later. I then hopped on my swiss ball on all fours using it to support my belly and rocked back and forth to help with the contractions. Eventually I moved back to my room into bed where I piled all my pillows up and laid on top of them on my tummy on my hands and knees with them all supporting my belly and rocked back and forth as the contractions came on.

My record of contractions....

By 4am, my mum had woken up to go to the loo and I took this as my cue to actually make a bit of a moaning sound lol. I didnt want to look weak, I wanted to be the big brave girl...after all I was 25yrs old, not a teenager or anything. And cue Simon waking up again with a text along the lines of "Oh you are lucky, what is happening now?" He was drifting in and out of sleep bless him, I was hating it and just wanting him to be there with me. My mum rang through to Papakura Maternity Unit and told them what I had written down and I was put on the phone too them (I didnt really want to talk to them, I just wanted Simon there. I wanted him to get out of bed and in the car and to come over.) - I just so happened to have a big contraction while on the phone, and the on call midwife told me to have a shower, and that I could either come into the hospital or stay home until I couldnt cope. To ring them when I was coming in so they could start filling the pool up.

Simon by this stage again asking me what was happening, and proceeded to tell me he was too tired to drive over to me, made a point about how it was 10 past 4 in the morning. I made a point about how he would miss his daughters birth. And all my fears were coming to light. He asked me when i was going to go down to the birthing unit, and I told him in a couple of hours and that he was to wake his mum up. I wanted nothing more than to have his mum there too - I wanted so much to have her nice calming voice there to help me through on top of him and my mum....but also to give him support too. By 4.34am I was feeling very dizzy and sick, and my contractions were getting more closer together and intense. He said he would leave when I left, I said I wanted his mum and he said his mum was more asleep than he was and she wouldnt be in the room when I gave birth.....I was heart broken, I knew she was such an amazing and had a calming voice that just made me feel better, so full of warmth and love, but I also wanted her there for Simon. This definately wasnt going to be like it was in the movies with everyone in the waiting room waiting outside...! (Of course not when there is only allowed to be a maximum of 3 people in the room and no big waiting room where I was to give birth, plus I had long set these rules in place about who was going to be there and when and why etc).

At 4.52am - I had a kick from our daughter, my very last kick I was to feel. It was as if she was saying are you ok out there?? I kept reassuring her everything was ok, that we were fine, and that she was coming out now. That we would get through this.

At 5.11am I left home to go to Papakura Maternity Unit, as a precaution my mum lined the passenger seat with a rubbish bag and towel incase my waters broke on the way to the hospital. I sent a text through to my next door neighbour telling her. And one to a mate with the lines of "please dont have a heart attack I am in labour!" - she has a heart condition and for the past 9 days had been having near heart attacks when she saw my name come up on her phone lol..!! My mum rang my sister and told her what was happening (I wish she hadn't after that as you will soon read). So it was off to the hospital!! I arrived there about 5.30am. Simon left his place not long after I got there, he only lived down the road from the hospital and arrived at 6.08am.

I was put into a delivery room, and soon learnt the midwife on duty hadn't even started to fill the pool up after our second phone call to her. I was slowly starting to accept I wasnt going to get my water birth. By this stage I was told by the midwife I was over breathing with my contractions, she didnt help me or show me in any way how to breath these so called slow deep breaths to try and keep me calm or to relax me in anyway, to make me stop wanting to throw up. Though I personally didnt see myself as over breathing. After all this is my body; I think I would know just what I was doing with it!! But come on first time mum here, this is all new to us, we were  highly depending on you to help bring our much loved and wanted daughter into the would safely. I was told at this stage that I could go home and come back later, that my labour would more than likely fizzle out, I was also offered drugs - come on did this midwife NOT read my notes and birth plan where it says WATER BIRTH - NO DRUGS...?? Clearly not..! Naturally I refused to go home. There was no way I would risk going home and coming back a couple of hours later, I KNEW this baby was coming and I trusted my body and its messages. Plus the thought of coming back in the car with even worse contractions....I dont even want to think about what that would be like!

Over the next half hour to hour, I was able to walk down to the toilet with Simon, I had a contraction on my way back to the delivery room. I was told to lean against the bed during my contractions but this just wasnt comfortable for me to stand up and lean forward at the height the bed was at. Instead I opted to go back onto my hands and knees on the bed with all the pillows piled up under my belly for support since the birthing pool still hadnt been filled up and I obviously wasnt going to have what I asked for. I wish I have brought my swiss ball or something.  I recall vomiting at some stage, and being told I was over breathing and thus causing me to vomit (what ever this is all part of labour!). Eventually I was able to relax a little bit after this, with Simon rubbing my back as I laid on my side breathing through my contractions he was telling me ever so softly these beautiful stories about our daughter. Filling my head with visions he was, us walking along the beach with her, trips to the zoo and things like that. I was able to slightly rest and sleep a little bit while he was doing this, though it wasnt all quiet when my sister decided to call again in the middle of my contractions..! I was pretty much left alone until 7.50am when hand over happened and a new midwife came in and took over. I was so thankful of hand over and a new midwife being assigned to my delivery. I was over the moon too when she mentioned she would fill the pool up, but just needed to do a check.

Of course by this stage I was on my back and my contractions were coming on in full swing one after the other and so intense to the point my whole body was ridged and I felt like I needed to push, I then felt like I had wet my pants, and all I could say was "I just peed!" only it turnt out I hadnt peed but in actual fact my waters had broken by 8.00am and I had a sudden urge to push. (Boy was I glad I hadnt gone home when I was told to 2 hrs before hand!!) It was discovered that there was Meconium in my waters, but I was still only 3cms dilated at this stage (seriously Ive only gone 1cm since I was last checked a week ago!!???) and so my natural drug free water birth was officially canceled. I was then hooked up to the Entonnox Gas to prevent the urge to push, and I was hooked up also to a IV Fluid line. What wasnt done was being shown how to take the gas and as a result I OD straight away on it and knocked myself out. I started to panic at this stage as I couldnt talk, I was screaming out in my head to Simon and I could see and hear everything that was going on around me with the commotion in the room with all these medical staff in, Simon started to panic a little bit - I think I had scared him a bit, after all it was only 10months prior that I met him and collapsed on him in the shower.

At 8.20am an Ambulance was called to transfer me to Middlemore Hospital. And I then left Papakura Matenity Unit to go to Middlemore Hospital at 8.40am. I recall being wheeled down the hall way calling out for Simon. He apparently was right behind me as they were rushing me out, though I was so out of it due to over dosing on the gas and being somewhat knocked out. I was going into shock and panicking greatly, I was freezing cold and had been covered with blankets and one of those silver emergency warmth sheets (can't recall their proper name). This wasnt how I had planned it all, everything was going against my vision and everything I had read on  giving birth, the signs of labour and stages of labour - none of them told me about this. I didnt read anyone's birth stories, I didnt watch any other videos other than the one of a friend who gave birth 6wks prior that made me put alot of rules into place, the videos they showed in Antenatal class seemed so perfect but very old (from the 80s/90s).....they didnt show things like this in the movies and on tv!!!!! By the time I was loaded into the ambulance, it had stopped raining and the sun had rised at some stage (it had rained when I left home and still dark).

My mum got into the Ambulance with me, and Simon followed right behind us in his car, we only came with my bag too - the nappy bag with all the baby stuff and the capsule were still in my car. I still dont recall why we didnt bring the nappy bag in. I was given gas again as my contractions started up in the Ambulance, but once again I knocked myself out with it, I recall having my eyes closed and hearing the midwife who came with us, and my tongue being out, my mum speaks differently of this, but in my minds eye while I was going through the side effects of the gas it appeared different. All I remember is my contractions rolling in one after another, and me continually saying sorry that I had done a pee and poop (when in actual fact I hadnt, and what I was "peeing" out was just my waters at this stage.) I also remember as the contractions came on, wanting to push, it was very hard to control my body, I was so scared I would get cramp in my legs (given only a couple of days before hand I had a really bad episode where I had the most wicked cramp in my leg/foot and moving it back into the position it had been in wasnt doing anything but making it much worse!!). My body literally was going so ridged and straight, and in some cases seemed like I was bending backwards. Eventually came a period in the Ambulance where I was able to sort of relax and breath while still being out of it from the gas. Sometimes I wish they had just let me push, let me be in the position I wanted to be in, and let my body just do what it wanted to do....but all they kept saying was if I pushed too early I would be very sore and tear.

I arrived at Middlemore at 8.58am, by 9.20am I was moved to a bed in the delivery room there, this was a great mission as everyone was getting very pushy with trying to get me to move, however my contractions were just rolling in one after the other and I was at a degree where I could move my legs fine, and my top half but my middle section where my belly and pelvis were had lost the message completely from the rest of my body to move....eventually I was told to roll off the gurney and onto the bed. Simon went and parked the car, and while he was out of the room, I called out to mum and said I was sorry and started to a cry a little bit.

Simon came back, and after introductions were made at 9.30am, and I was given the gas again for my contractions, I started to get to the degree where I was getting a little frustrated with everyone talking. Now I refused to swear or get angry and rude, instead I just started to cry when I couldnt get the words out that I wanted too. One of the midwives didnt know what was wrong, and thankfully Simon was able to ask me what was wrong and I whispered to him that I didnt like the midwife, I went to the degree of asking for every single staff member that I had look after me at various stages during my pregnancy in that hospital.....and they checked the roster and called departments to get them in, sadly none of them were on that shift, not even my cousin down in SCBU. Eventually the midwife told me about how she was the most experienced and top midwife who had won an award....by this stage I just wanted her to shut up and be quiet. I wanted quiet. Thats all I wanted in that moment was to be left alone with no noise. I needed  to focus and calm down. With the gas on board, I started to get a really dry throat and became thirsty so it was Simon's job to met my demands of "Water!!!!" and believe me I got really impatient if it wasnt fast enough. (kicking myself that I didnt get the homeopathic meds I planned to put into the water to help me by now!)

At this stage I DID wet the bed and had been sick again I believe. The midwife wanted to change the bed as I had wet it....and seriously it was the least of my problems or concerns trying to let my booty off the bed so they could change it....I mean its only going to get ALOT worse with blood, poopy waters and lord knows what else soon..! While I had the gas, and this while taking some edge off everything, it wasnt stopping my body wanting to push. My body was just doing this all it self. But of course, I wasnt able to open my legs during the rolling contractions. I finally managed to get a short break to allow them to view between my legs to how far gone I was at 9.50am. And a doctor was called in, I refused to have him, I wanted a female (my little brain just heard a name I didnt know and instantly thought it was the doctor from the week before hand that I didnt like from when I was in hospital for a possible induction due to possible IURG!) and so he was happy enough to get a female doctor in for me. I actually didnt really mind after I saw him and knew he wasnt who I thought he was. But he was respectful of me and got me a lady.

There was major talk about an Epidural, and I remember Simon showing me the paper work for it, I opened my eyes and gave him a very stern angry look before closing them again. He said to me, what was that look for, why are you looking at me like that with your angry eyes.... I gave him the look because I wanted him to SUPPORT me with my choice of no drugs and no epidural, I wasnt happy at him trying to tell me about the damn thing. I was so set in my ways of not having this stupid needle shoved in my spinal cord. I trusted my body, I trusted in Mother Nature and everything else that I could do this. I was asked WHY I didnt want it, and in my slurred speech from the gas side effects, I said Paralysis. That was my greatest fear of having a needle put into my spine was that I would be one of those freak accidents and numbers that would be paralyzed from it for the rest of my life. No way was anything go near my precious spinal cord and back..! (As it was, I was too far gone for one anyway - YAY for me!! Yes Im one of those crazy woman who WASN'T begging for a Epidural and all the drugs. Yes I was sticking to my guns, nevermind Simon had a bunch of friends back in England trying to talk him into not supporting my drug free labour, telling him that I would be in so much pain blah blah blah....yea what ever you weak girls..!)

They showed me the chart of where they were on the understanding that I was at and where I needed to get too before I could start pushing.....yes, yes I had seen this chart before in Antenatal Classes, I remember it very well. I had 7cm more to go. I was getting tired and frustrated and all I kept saying for the whole hour I was there was to get her out, I begged Simon to get our baby out, that was all I wanted was for her to be out. Part of my brain said, bugger this I want a C-Sec I can't do this.....then the more logical side pushed that away and said what the hell is wrong with you Bronwyn, you have come this far, you CAN do this, you don't want surgery, stop being so weak. Just push this baby out yourself, you WILL do this..! Believe in yourself and at least hold onto the very last fragment of the birth plan you had originally in place!

The Birth -

The bestest and greatest news came at 10.15am that I was 10cm dilated and I could start pushing with my next contraction...! They were no longer stopping me from doing what my body was naturally doing and what I kept saying I wanted to do...! Yay for me, yes thats right somehow I went from 3cms dilated to 10cms dialted in the 30mins it took me to get from Papakura to Middlemore...! My mum said to me later that I transitioned over in the Ambulance, she noticed a change in me and was watching the contractions rippling through my back while I was doing nothing. It was just my body naturally doing everything. A clip was put into our baby's head to monitor as I had refused to have the CTG belts put on me again, I didnt want anything around my belly or constricting me. My gas was taken away. And bless Simon for the only photo of me in labour he took - this is pretty much how I think I looked once I was hooked onto the gas.

5 Minutes before giving birth and meeting my little girl.

By 10.25am I was told to push. And Push I did. I had two big pushes to get her head out, and just as she was crowning they asked me if I wanted to touch her head, I sharply said no, come on man I have more important matters on hand here! One of the midwives kept telling me that I was a star, talk about a major change in handling of patients from the very first midwife 4hrs ago..! (Not only this but they finally found out that I suffered from Depression and Anxiety, something that wasn't written anywhere in my notes never mind me saying it had to be in big fat letters at the very front, our Antenatal Class Educator who is a retired midwife told us to make sure of this too!). I recall the moment her head finally came through, the burning sensation, and I said to Simon I told you we should of done that massage!!!! (I had been begging him for a month to come and do it for me as I couldnt reach fully. And it was his idea in Antenatal Classes a couple of months before hand that I should do it!) - by now the pain was so surreal I just wanted her out calling out going "Please just get her out" and "Oww, oww, owww!!", and I was starting to panic a little bit, and the next big contraction rolled in fast and I wanted to push but I couldnt as they had to remove the cord from around our baby's neck. She had by this stage tipped her head and started to tear me, which was probably adding to the pain even more. Simon kept telling me I couldnt push and not to push along with the midwives, I needed to hold on a few more seconds...but they seemed to be EXTREMELY long seconds....at the time they annouced her time of birth, when her shoulders to started to come out, I let out a big scream as she came out completely, and Simon started to cry.

And I had done it. I have given birth to a health baby girl weighing in at 7lb 5oz at 10.28am on the 18th September 2011. With only gas as my pain relief. I didnt get my natural drug free water brith, far from it. But I still gave birth naturally with the minimal drugs I could without effecting my body's naturally producing hormones and without effecting my daughter during child birth (I read about the effects Pethedine, Epidural and Gas can have on mother and especially baby during child birth prior to giving birth and compared to Homeopathic remedies hence me wanting to go with a more natural approach!).I birthed my placenta with added drugs due to health reasons and the high risk factors of a blood condition I had prior to falling pregnant. I also had alot of sutures internally from where I had been torn due to our daughter tipping her head while crowning and I nursed her after I had finished being sutured. Simon was one proud father, both of me for not having an epidural or anything and of his precious little that that he wanted so much. 

It just so happened that right after I had pushed  her out, cue my sister texting me, idiot me replying back to her, as she started to freaking call me...!!! OMG who on earth calls someone whilst they are giving birth like that? ESPECIALLY when I specifically told her I didnt want ANYONE including her to contact me while I was in labour or in hospital, that I wasnt going to have anything on Facebook until AFTER I got out of hospital and had time to recover and bond with my daughter. Not once did I or anyone do that to her while having her four kids. Thank God my Sim Card stopped reading at that moment too....!! Sadly she had put the word out before me or Simon could tell anyone we officially had our little girl. I was deeply guttered over the disrespect towards us.

The First Hour....

When I look back at it all, I had all these wonderful plans for my pregnancy and labour. I read alot of things, but not much, that was to come later that I read alot more info on Child Birth and Pregnancy in a natural way as the months went by after my delivery. I wanted a drug free pregnancy, however I was riddled with morning sickness/hypermesis gravadium for 16wks and had to take medication to control it. I had a highly stressful pregnancy with me trying to accept that my daughter was fighting and staying alive, unlike her older sibling who passed away at 5.5wks gestation in July 2007. I separated from Simon at the end of my first trimester due to all that was going through my head, I battled with a horrible girl who almost ruined my life and cost me our family bond. I battled through chest infections, thrush, food poisoning, depression, low iron, SPD and many other worries to come out with a beautiful healthy little girl at the end with nothing wrong with her at all. And that I guess at the end of the day is the besest thing ever.

Our happy little family - First Family Photo

The body is an amazing thing, and should never be under estimated, and at that a woman should also never be under estimated when she is in labour. I am in-tune with my body , and I have Mother Nature to thank for helping me through this day as well as the staff from Papakura Maternity Unit, Middlemore Hospital and St John's Ambulance.I must also give thanks to Botany Maternity Unit to whom had my for my first night of post natal care. And lastly my mum and Simon.

Bonding Time with Mummy and Daddy.
Our wonderful creation of love, happiness, hope and joy.

Long time no see!

Wow - first of all I would like to SERIOUSLY say sorry for the lack of entries in here, guess I know what people mean when they say that children really do take up your time, and that time does go by very VERY fast. 9 months came and went by so fast and my daughter was born, then 9 months went by so fast yet again....its hard to believe that she is nearly 10months old, and that in just 11 WEEKS time she will be a YEAR OLD!!

Usually I do mass updates dating back, well my brain is complete shot on memory it is....so when I have my next day off I will sit here and do a monthly update of everything that has happened starting from my birth story, and each little milestone that happened in each month of my beautiful daughter's first 9 months of her being here.

Meanwhile, its my 26th Birthday today, and Im not going to be sitting here all day on my blog, blogging. Espeically given I have work tonight. I will however do a bit of a clean up and update on info/photos.I also need to start making entries into my blog for LadyBlackHeart Studio...!