Sunday, 4 September 2011

Happy Father's Day

(Not one of the bestest photos, I have one SOMEWHERE that I love of me and my daddy when I was a baby asleep with him in bed)


Its Father's Day today down in New Zealand. And of course I have left it too late to get cards, I was the same for Mother's Day..! I just couldnt find one that I liked for the people I wanted to get cards for..! And then the price of them - you would think I would just make the cards myself but I just dont have the mojo right now. I got really teary eyed reading fathers day cards the past few weeks..! I blame the hormones.

Though my dad pretty much has nothing to do with me now - I still want to wish him a happy father's day...and with that also a happy father's day to my daughter's wonderful daddy...sorry she isnt here for father's day but she does have a present for her daddy..! She will be a late father's day present for you!

I love you both so much!! xxx



Friday, 2 September 2011

The Final Week...

So here I am at 39wks gestation, this is the last week (I hope) of pregnancy and I cant wait until my little girl is here. Though I am begining to slip deeply into depression again and stressing out. While I have been doing my damn hardest to keep myself in a positive frame of mind and creating all these amazing positive images in my head about how things are going to be in my final weeks and in the lead up to the birth and the birth itself.....as time has progressed its all started to leave.

I cant really understand why I am struggling with things, and why my anxiety levels have shot up so high, Ive spent many years watching people I love struggle with things like depression...but for some reason this time it seems much harder - maybe its because I am pregnant and my mind and body is telling me I have a child I need to think about and put first. But doing so I have felt soooo guilty over and terrible things have happened from doing so. I have this horrible sinking feeling that Im going to be alone at my birth....that everything I had planned out, even had planned together and came to an agreement some weeks if not months ago with Si just isnt going to happen. A big huge part of me is saying he wont be there, he no longer cares....I am questioning the trust between us. I have put myself out to him for so long now, faught like nothing and I am now at the point where I can carry on anymore. Starting to ask myself well whats the point when I am being pushed further and further away everyday....for the past 6wks.....then I start self doubting myself.....and my brain goes into protective mode over my child. 

And such things I know from early on in the year havent not turnt out very pretty - I spent alot of time suffering from anxiety and depression in fear of my daughter being taken away from me by some slutty girl who decided she wanted my man for herself and to ignore his daughter and to create a family with her. And here I am yet again wondering if that is about to happen again....I sit on the edge freaking out and waiting for that big bombshell to hit again.... when I go long periods without hearing from Si, especially when I have tried contacting him about important things to do with our daughter, like if I am in hospital or if I have bleeding or something......and I dont hear from him at all, I sit there scared that I will get a text or an email telling me where to go... I dont understand why you would  do that to someone, someone who gives to much love, support and help to you, and you just throw it back in their face....ignore them...lie to them....keep such huge things secret from them and you dont spy on them or keep them under lock and key and take their voice and opinion away - and thats not what you do in a relationship regardless of how complicated and hard things are you most certainly dont do that to your children!! Ive spent soooo much of my life having my father make promises to me, saying things and it turns out it was just all lies. And look at how we are now, he doesnt even care about me or love me. This is the thing I keep saying I do NOT want my daughter to have to expereince ever. I dont want her living the life I did, I want her to have an amazing life....but it seems like thats just not going to happen.

All I think about how completely unfair all of this is to my daughter, she didnt ask for this, she isnt even born yet and she is already involved in this battle over who is to have her, who loves her and who wants her... I am starting to get really pissed off at people giving me the whole "ohhh he isnt worth it, forget about him, you dont need him, babies dont need fathers...." and "ohhh dont worry about him, just think about yourself and the baby they are more important" and "ohhh he doesnt get a say at all" - and I get REALLY angry and fustrated at such comments. Im lucky enough to have probably one or two friends who are on my side and are wishing and hoping that things change, who support my view that my daughter NEEDS her father there....that I need him here....that I cant do this on my own. A child is such a HUGE responsibility....its not a toy doll that you can just throw a nappy one, give it a bottle, put it down in a bed and then walk away somewhere and go off for some years because you have found a new toy to play with before coming back and playing with it again...or like a giga pet where if it just so happens to die because you didnt clean up its poop, play with it and feed it and there is a good old reset button on the back of ....its not like a bread maker where you make a few loaves of bread then shove it in the back of the cupboard and find a new applicance to play with....they are novity items like that....they are life changing responsibilities...

I know that there is someone out there I know and love alot, and I know they are reading this, they cant see the tears that fall from my eyes all day and all night, they dont see me lying in bed wide awake, in pain because the crying is causing me to have contractions.....they try to say I dont understand, but I bloody well do!!!! I have LIVED that life, I have been in that same position you are currently in not so long again and it almost distroyed me, it almost killed me....and I REALLY wish you could open your eyes and see and understand that i do so bloody know and UNDERSTAND it....I just dont want you to go through it because the stress and the cost it has on your health and well being.....just isnt worth it in the long wrong. It took me a long time to get out of it and through it and I had very little to no support....maybe I did I just ignored it and pushed people away......so to see you doing that.....what I once did when I was younger.....it bloody hurts and I just wish you would for once listen to me and put your pride aside and think about what you have coming to you very soon that is worth way more than all of this....! Otherwise you just wont be happy and wont enjoy it and one day you WILL regret it all and it will be too late............

It will be all gone forever and there will be no getting it back.

Happy Birthday Mummy...!!



Happy Birthday to my Mummy..!!!

I hope you have an amazing day today, and i hope you know just how much I love and appreciate ALL you have done for me over the years. How much of your life you have given up and put on hold to support me and raise me and dedicate to me. I also want you to know just how much I appreciate the love and support you have given me this year through my pregnancy - I know that you and your grandaughter are going to have such a tight and loving bond.

Tuesday, 16 August 2011

Shower of Gifts

Ive already thanked all my friends and family who came to my baby shower in my last blog post, but I just wanted to thank them all again for their gorgous gifts they gave to us for our little girl. It is really appreciated your support and love towards us and our daughter. xxx


Stash Pic #1


Stash Pic #2 - look at those gorgous Marks and Spencer Clothes!!!

Monday, 8 August 2011

My Baby Shower..!!

Me and mum have spent most of the week busting it out in the kitchen getting food prepared for the baby shower, we made all sorts for it such as:

  • Coconut Ice
  • Rum Balls
  • Baby Meringues
  • Rocky Road
  • Louise Slice
  • Cupcakes with Butter Icing
  • Apple Rubarb Spice Cakes
  • Sugar Cookies
  • Chocolate Crackles
  • Savory Muffins
  • Sammies and Wraps

Plus other store brought things like Spring Rolls, Samosas, Sausage Rolls, Cocktail Sausages, Chicken Bites, Chips n Dip, Biscuits.

I got my balloons filled with Helium on the friday afternoon with a chemical added into them to keep them up long enough for the baby shower the following day, I spent hours going around shops trying to find just plain pink and green balloons but no one had ANY at all, well they had bright pink but I didnt want a bright pink and they had dark green and I didnt want a dark green either..I couldnt even find matellic balloons....I eventually ended up getting a pack of mixed colours...but I was short one pink balloon....but compromised in the end. I had two chinese paper lanterns too that I put up for decorations.

On the moring of the baby shower mum woke me up asking for help in the kitchen as she flooded it - I woke up thinking well why mother have you got the washing machine going if you flooded the place (the sink in the laundry is usually the culprit here when something falls in it blocking the drain) but it was the kitchen sink she flooded, she had filled it ready to wash dishes and was multi tasking... thankfully we got it all cleaned up, the floor did need to be mopped so it gone done differently..! LOL!

I had never ending Braxton Hicks and Pelvic pain while making sammies and wraps it wasnt easy, I had also run the maternity hospital for the second time (had called the night before) about my pelvic pain but got no help from them again about it. I think we got everything almost done and set up by the time people started to turn up, just had to wait for the savoury foods to be heated through and cooked.

My sister seem to win every game I had going - I had a couple of other games planned but didnt get around to playing them, I had guests leave early and arrive late so couldnt get them all done to plan. But the ones I did have took a bit of brain power for my guests - I think the most fun game was probably the Guess the Baby game - I had printed off photos of my mum and dad, my sister and me, my nieces and nephews, both my granmothers, and simon and his sister all as babies and had numbered them and gave out a list of names and had people guess who was who. Looking back at the results people wrote down its pretty funny seeing who got some of them right and had never met or seen the photos before - and who got some around the wrong way. For example my parents around the wrong way, my nephews, my sister and me - then there were some who got them extreme to the point of Simon and my nephews....or his sister and my nieces. My nana made me laugh when she saw Simon and his sister's baby photo thinking it was her knitting with the blankets they had...I had to go to her nooooooo....she of course knew who were her children and which one was her. She did wonder where I got the photos from of her and I pulled out a stash of old photos of her as a baby and of my dad and aunt growing up...all which she has given over some stage of my life or we have gotten hold of somewhere. I would of loved to have photos of my granfathers and some of simon's parents but didnt have any sadly.

I gave prizes out to the runner ups since my sister kept winning ever game!!! I had gone to Soap Opera in Botany Downs Mall and they have a bathtub full of soap offcuts where you can fill a paper bag up with $20 worth of soap. I did that and had them trim some of them a bit and gift wrap them.

Gift opening was so much fun - my mate and co hostess Yaz sat next to me for it (she was my official photographer for the day) and wrote down every thing I got and who it was from. I think from my wish list we got some of the things I had put on but we were left with some of the most important items not given as gifts - for example a nappy bag which we were really holding out for, I had put a temporary stop on buying more baby stuff with Simon as we wanted to see what we would get from the baby shower. Of course this left us with a list of things we really needed....I ended up getting a nappy bag myself from KMart 50% off as it was the one in stock, so I have been able to at least get Amelia's bag packed ready for the hospital..!

We got some really gorgous things - socks, hats, bibs including some Holden ones (from Aunty Yaz who knows that mummy and daddy are Holden lovers in the Ford vs Holden debate), outfits, blankets, couple of record books, a Peter Rabbit Dinner Set (even with a wishlist given my neighbour just didnt know what to get me, so I had dropped her a couple of hints of much needed items...of course Peter Rabbit was left off the list when I wrote it, but I had told her that Simon loves Peter Rabbit...so thats how we got that gorgous set). All our gifts have been really well appreciated and we do love everyone who got us something. And I have to say thank you soooo much to Amelia's Nanna for the gorgous outfits she got from Marks and Spencer...! Your grandaughter is going to look gorgous for her first year of her life as she grows into them..! xxx As always I love how you wrap your gifts to family and friends...

Even with a number to cater for I did end up with heaps of food left over, esp the sweet food that is, Ive noticed hot foods - the savoury items do go fast at parties over other foods.

End of the day I had a great time and thanks to those who did turn up, I really appreciate your love and support towards both myself, Simon and our daughter. Im still waiting for my mate Yaz to send me all the photos she took. and once I get them I will post some collages. In the mean time here are a couple of my fave ones of Simon with my nieces Meggan and Emma....though he spent most of the day teasing Meg NON STOP, he is a pretty awesome Uncle, and I know he will just as good a father to our daughter when she is born.  


Friday, 5 August 2011

The Calm Before The Storm...

Well its been an odd week so far, it seemed to start out fine but then it turn rather dark and it seems I have been sailing stormy waters since. While I have lots to do before my baby shower takes way tomorrow, it was somewhat sunny enough to go to the beach - not warm enough to go swimming or anything but a nice drive out and walk along the beach...bit of one on one time, and daddy daughter bonding given we are 5.5wks off our little girl making her grand entrance into the world.

I headed over and picked Simon up and we went for a drive out to Maraetai Beach, I havent been there for well over 10yrs, actually a little less now that I think about it, I went there for one of my ex best friend's 18th birthday about 5yrs ago. We drove around a bit and found a little parking area where we parked up and went and played on the playground like big kids.....sadly they are the most strangest swings there and well big fat preggo me couldnt get into the swing....Simon took great job out of photographing my attemps of getting into the swing then trying to get back out of it...we had a little go on the slide, I almost got stuck....and played on a few other things...seemed pregnancy isnt very friendly when it comes to play grounds...!! But the photos were cute and funny.

We walked along the beach as the sun was slightly setting then walked down alone a peir where we sat cuddled up, Simon sitting behind me with his hands protectively on my belly...head nuzzled into my hair and neck. His little girl was moving around a little bit...it always gives me a great feeling when he gets to feel her moving or has the hiccups. We took some photos of our hands on my belly and a few other pics of each other.

It was such a nice little late afternoon trip - only when we headed back home did it all fall to pieces and into tears. And it was such an event that I was almighty lucky I didnt go into premature labour, but it has left me rather upset and making me think some not so nice thoughts....but also thinking other things.....and in all honestly I have no shame in saying what happened - and this person you may be family and related to me via MY daughter, but there is NO way you can make me shut up, freedom of speech. Im well aware you yourself are probably reading this, or you have friends and family back home in the UK reading my blog, spying on me....but you have really well and truely changed my mind on what I thought of you...you make things just a little bit more clearer to me about what kind of person you really are.

I repsected you, I opened my home to you, and what do you give me?? Absolutely nothing, you have made me feel unwelcomed and unwanted and not only me but mine and your SON's daughter too - your own GRANDAUGHTER..! You wonder why I left when I did? It was because of you, you were one of the biggest factors in me leaving almost 6 months ago....because of how you made me feel. Having me around felt like I was a big inconveneince to you. Your entitled to your opinion, but obviously truth hurts for you to see it put out in front of you - I will NEVER forgive you for what you said to me, and how you almost endangered your grandaughter's life. Not only did you hurt me, but you hurt your son too... but you also have cost your relationship with you grandaughter now. I dont think you love her, let alone want her, and because of that I dont think you should be allowed to see her - left alone with her. But then having cut yourself off from most of your family would that really bother you much? Or are you just happy again that you have undone all the hard work that me and your son have worked hard on rebuilding and sorting out. On the bonding and relationship I have been trying to get him to form with his daughter before she is born....trying to make OUR family work out.

Because of what you have said and done towards me - you have also distroyed the relationship your SON had with his DAUGHTER...! You clearly dont want to see him happy or taken away from you, but now you have gone and forced him pretty much well and truely away from me but most of all his daughter and because I that I will NEVER forgive you. I hate the way you make me feel, I hate men like you who belittle woman and treat them like a piece of dirty especially pregnant woman so close to giving birth....!

BUT maybe you havent learnt one thing about me - I have Northern Irish blood running through my viens (as does your grandaughter), and I know how much you HATE them, but we dont give up without a fight... I dont give up without a fight....I also have German blood just like you too, and I am the grandaughter of a WW2 war veteran. I WILL fight for my family....and that family includes your son who the father of my daughter..!! You will find yourself very lonely one day when you have pushed away all of your family and those you love.

Thursday, 4 August 2011

RIP Poppa: Sidney Watters


Sidney Watters
3rd March 1929 - 28th July 1986

Its 25yrs since you lost your battle with cancer. I was only 3.5wks old, and I had only just met you for the first and only time two weeks before you passed away. I dont have any memories of you, I dont have any stories to tell, but its the stories and the photos that are shared with me from mum and Karee that keep you alive and build a picture in my mind of who you were and what you would of been like if you were still here today.

When ever I go to work, I think of you, as much as I hate how far away from the changing room my locker is I love how its right next to housekeeping...and that is where I feel so close to you. I was on a mission to find baby photos of nana and mum for a baby shower game I have planned, and we were going through the old trunk nana keeps under the bed full of photos, postcards, letters, cards, school reports and other things. And she handed me a photo of you, one I have never seen before, I scanned it and restored it, there was only slight damage to it...but its another treasured photo of you I now keep close to me. Its of you at work as a dry cleaner.....we have these same steam press at work, and I remember one time my supervisor taking me down to use them to get creases out of table clothes (there are some clients who are so up on detail they dont like having the creases in linen and so we have to iron ever single napkin/table cloth so they are gone) - and she told me to use it and I turnt around and said I was very sorry that those genes didnt pass through to me, so many pedals and levels to push and pull...!

I miss you so greatly, and I never really knew what it was that mum and Karee cried over at your grave when I was a child, I use to think it was silly but as I have gotten older I now understand it. Even more so now in the past few years, since losing my first baby...who would of been born on your birthday, but sadly passed away 24days shy of your 21st anniversary. I know he is up in heavan with you, and your being such an amazing and loving great grandfather to him, just like you were as a grandfather and father. I also know your up in heavan with your son, and that your not alone or unhappy.

I will always love you and never forget you, even if I dont hold memories in my mind of you, not even that one and only time we got to met, but I know I was very lucky to have had that cuddle with you. Thank you for holding on long enough for me to be born and to met me.

Love always "Your Little Angel"

Thursday, 28 July 2011

Daddy's Little Girl

Technology has advanced so much - to the point that scans now come in 3D/4D for babies....for those who cant figure out what things are looking at a 2D scan, these make it all that bit more easier, not only that it gives you that WOW factor as to what your little bundle of joy could potentionally look like outside of the womb. I dont know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Ive seen some people have their scans before, one girl I know of had one done very early in her pregnancy and her baby didnt look very nice in it....they have to be done a particular time when all the features are pretty much done developing, hands, feet, nose, mouth, eyes and ears...

I had a referal for a 3D scan from my GP and I had this done two days after my dad's 55th birthday (6th June 2011 - 9yrs and two days after I first saw my eldest niece in a scan) when I was about 26wks gestation I think it was. Because of how things were with me and Simon I kept it very well hidden, but after I had it done I sent him a pxr with a photo of our daughter in it, I got an OMG! reply to which I thought hmmm ok yea he's VERY angry at me for not telling him about it...(after all he has missed out on two scans already, the first one purely because I started chundering and had to rebook the next day, and it clashed with his job interview, and the second one after that was on what would of been my little angel's 3rd birthday and I just couldnt handle how things were going in my life with all these changes) - it turns out he was just shocked I think at Technology and how they got her in 3D. I felt slightly bad, as they listened to the heart beat during this scan, only it isnt on the DVD recording on it all....Simon at this stage still hadnt heard it...(he later did a couple of weeks later for the first time).

Because Si didnt come to this scan, I booked another one a month later ironically on my sister's 29th birthday (13th July 2011), few days before the recommended cut off period to have them.... this one was purely just photos and video footage, nothing dignostic to it like the last one which as it was a non referal/self referal scan...not one requested for. I think he was blown away at his little girl...watching her moving around in there...seeing her little hands, feet, nose and mouth...the further through we get on in this pregnancy and each little thing he gets to expereince, such as seeing her little face up on the monitor, hearing her heart beating away on the dopler, feeling her kicks and hiccups...it becomes more and more real to him....and he falls more and more in love with his daughter each day. And while we are both scared of pending parenthood I know together we will help each other through it each day, one little step at a time....to give our little girl the best life ever..!!


Amelia-Chloe @ 26.5wks Gestation


Amelia-Chloe @ 31.5wks gestation

Baby Shower: Games and Favours

I posted already a while ago the invites I made up for my baby shower, and possibly the baby word scramble I put together (deprived from a game I found for sell online but I made it for New Zealand like with some words, and taking out a few words and replacing them with others.)

I printed these both out on cardstock - my invites went out in pink envelopes with a wish list inserted with it to give guests an idea of what they could get if they decided to bring a present - things that are still on the list of things we still need to get, but of course not limited to just those things. I sealed them with a little sticker that said "It's a girl" - it was a slightly time consuming process as my printer decided it would start playing up and not print straight anymore, as much as I tried to correct the alingment it just wasnt working so we had to go out and buy a new printer..! (this one has a fax built in with it, which ive yet to test out but our fax started effecting our phoneline about 8 months ago so we had to get rid of it...and YES people do still use them..!!)

I also made some scratchy cards. Which I posted a tutorial too, it was so much fun trialling it out. I cant wait to see how they work on the actual day. My biggest project has been my favours. I had a friend who has a little girl who is 7 months old, and she has been collecting baby food jars for me since her daughter went onto solids....with a few I had left over and a few my sister had, I had enough to get busting out and altering them all into favours to give to my guests. I sterilised them all in milton, and the lids I boiled up with a bit of water and baking soda (since according to milton's box it says metallic items cant be put into the salution). I couldnt find paper I liked, so I printed out a design I had download a while back which I have used on my invites. I cut it down to size, and with a bit of ribbon, scrapbooking paper, and some cute little elephant charms I put them all together, and finished them off with a personalised message.

I struggled trying to find inspiration for them, google wasnt OVERLY friendly to me, but I had found a few blogs and stuff with similar things on them - couple of them had photos of the baby on them with dates, Im not sure if this date was the date of the baby shower or the actual birth date...but the photos seemed to be of the baby after birth.....for me the closest thing I have to a real photo of my little girl is one of her in a 3D/4D Scan we have had done (ive had two done) - so I popped that one with a little message along with the date of my baby shower.

I also brought an 8oz baby bottle to create a game, I did this game at my friend's baby shower I hosted last year only I used a standard narrow neck bottle for it with mixed M&Ms in it. For mine I decided to throw in a challenge of using one of those bottles that have the hole in the middle of them (I dont know what you call them) and I put in plain M&Ms and MINI M&Ms... I sat there counting each m&m into the bottle too..!! Writing down somewhere how many were in it...I really wanted to have PINK and GREEN Pebbles as that is the nick name our daughter has...but that wasnt going to work, I was going to use Pebbles but it just wasnt going to work out cost wise...m&ms seem to be the next closest thing...they all look the same, candy coated chocolate..!


Recycled Baby Food Jars - Altered for Baby Shower Favours


Details on Lid and around Neck of Jar

Personalised Message on the Jars

Guess How Many Lollies Game

Baby Word Scrambled Game


Scratchy Match and Win Lotto Tickets Game

What happened to RSVPing?

Its only a WEEK until my baby shower - and I have been working hard on getting favours and games sorted out for it, very hard task to do when you dont have final numbers so I made to roughly how many invites I sent out. And I have learnt today 2days off the RSVP date I put on those invite that well I have made 3 times the amount Im more than likely going to be needing. Im really upset about it all, I was floored to be honest and I also started to have an anxiety attack over it all, been a few months since I had a major one of those last one would of been about the time some psycho nut bar girl tried to put a major wedge between my daughter and her daddy and seperating the two and taking them away and trying to distroy our little family.

Anyway - I discovered today that some of my so called "friends" really arent friends at all like I thought, slightly peeved at how the world is turning into one where no one RSVPs to things, its highly rude infact and I dont know if it more annoying and a pet peeve to me because I work in the sector of Hospitality that deals with Events, Functions and Banqueting where I know first hand how much hard work goes into the planning and organisation, the preperation, decorating and set up and also the catering not to mention the money spent on it all. I can work a function where I have 900 people for dinner, thats 1800 entree forks, 1800 entree knives, 900 dessert spoons, 900 main forks, 900 main knives, 900 side plates, 900 red wine glasses, 900 white wine glasses, 900 water glasses, 900 ramikins, 180 sets of salt and pepper grinders, 180 sets of oil and vinegarette bottles, 90 table number stands, 27000 candle holders, 900 nakpins, 90 bread baskets, 180 butter plates with 900 rounds of butter on them that have to prepped, polished, folded and set out by me and my department. So yes I get a little anal over RSVPing to events with people....after all your not really paying for anything except for an optional gift, no one most certainly not me expecting you to spend up large on a present....a present after all is just the thought that counts at the end of the day. So yes I find its just slightly rude when people DONT RSVP to something....

All I can say is thank god I didnt start buying food and drinks..!! My biggest fear was having a repeat of my 21st and over catering cause I sent out invites to people and they didnt RSVP and that was people who specifically asked me for an invite...(thankfully my work place at the time came in late after they finished work and cleaned the food all up and the drinks too). I had created a list of foods I was going to have...but at least now I am only going to be catering for a few people - people who I know now really are my friends and will be there for me as my daughter grows up. There are a few people I invited who I know couldnt make it for real true reasons, for example they are overseas or going away....they have to work a 660 pax function (thats my co workers I invited) and some have other prior arrangement for that day. But a selected few I have now started to think about the number of times I have gone to things they have put on, and how Ive gone out of my way travelling to them for such things or taking time off work to attend to have them not RSVP.....to have ME chasing them up and then having them going oh sorry yea cant come. Ive decided now if I get invited by them to something again, I dont think I will bother going now...

My anxiety attack today from all of this centralised about how I invted people and they didnt RSVP, and me chasing them up about to have about 33.3% of those people say NO. I then had a heart breaking vision of my little girl sitting at a table, little party hat on her head, cake in front of her with a candle burnt out and melted into the icing of a cake, table/room fully decorated for her birthday and NO guests at all....if thats how people are towards a celebration towards her pending arrival what are they going to be like when it comes to special events like her birthday...(thankfully Im not religious and she isnt having a Christening!!).

SO I ask - what happened to good old RSVPing to events?? With technology these days, sending an email, a text, a facebook message or even picking up the phone the old fashion way not enough to say yes or no?

Sunday, 24 July 2011

Happy 25th Birthday Dane...!!

Happy Birthday to my amazing and talented accountant Dane..!! Im still older than you by 21 days....though I think you might just be a little bit more smarter than me....just a little bit...hope you had a great day. Thanks so much for all your support and advice and continual friendship over the past couple of years we have known each other, its much appreciated..! Your a knight in shining armour and a life saver..! xx

Happy 1st Birthday Emma!!


A year ago my youngest niece Emma was born..!! Its been a whole year now watching you grow up, learning new things...your such a gorgous little princess..!! Aunty's Princess Emmy..!! Hope you had a FANTASTIC day..!!

Lots of Love from Aunty B.
xxx

National Culinary Comps 2011


Last weekend was the National Culinary Fare - they were earlier this year due to the Rugby World Cup coming up in September of this year. Due to being pregnant, I didnt enter the class I have done for the past two years running, its a very costly class for me as my designs I go all out with instead I entered into the Mystery Box Table Setting - it was a class I watched my first year at the Nationals in 2009 and Gina wanted me to enter it last year but due to the status of Innovative Table Setting changing from Junior to Open it was more expensive so I didnt enter it last year as planned. However due to costs of Innovative this year I decided to go with just entering a class where I only had to pay the entry fee.

My class was 9am on Monday 18th, and the plan WAS to get up or at least leave at 7.30am to get ready and head over to the showgrounds however both me and mum slept in waking up at at 8am instead, this meant a huge rush to getting dressed and ready and off into the car. We hit heavy traffic half way there, and took the main road after getting stuck on the motorway. I started to accept that I wasnt going to get there on time, I had to get my stuff out of the car, and check in at registration and then go to the arena - by the time we got to the showgrounds it was 8.55am, and by the time I got to the arena it had JUST gone 9am and they had already started before 9am......! I burst into tears even though I accepted it on the way over I wouldnt get to compete. I cried even more when Gina saw me and gave me a hug....THANKFULLY I was allowed in by the chief judge, it just meant I had 5mins less to everyone else. Im forever greatful to him for allowing me in..!

I managed to get my table set and do something with what we were given in our mystery bags - I didnt know how much time I had so I went as fast as I could, I tried to be professional at the same time and show that my arriving just a little late did not effect me at all. As it was a finished before everyone else did, but it because I knew I wasnt feeling well....I had the TVNZ crew from TV1 News who just barged on in and decided heeey lets just sit down on Bronwyn's chairs for her setting she is trying to set up, and lets oh put our coffee cup on her table....and lets just get this angle of the girl next door doing something amazing with wire on her vase and block Bronwyn's way to her table she is in the middle of trying to lay cutlery and glasses down on...yea..ohh thats right - they ended up getting kicked out for that..!!

By this point I had started to feel it was just all against me - to add to all of that, I had NO entree forks in my set up they supplied, as a result I didnt lay the entree knives down...and I had a main fork instead of a dessert fork....which I put down anyway...it was fustrating as I was trying to get the judges attention to say hey hello I havent got all my cutlery here....AND i also had a different vase to everyone else..!! My mind was going what on earth is going on here??? I did my best with what I had though and got something set up..I wasnt overly happy with my napkin fold as the napkins just werent started enough for that fold...it was after I had done them that I thought hmmmm should of just gone with a simple roll and made napkin rings out the wire I was given. The Oprah Fold wasnt working.

It was after I finished my setting that I thought argh...I should of made a runner and sashes with the paper supplies and plastic table cloth...and should of added a bit more height with the white bowl given - but then I saw that a couple of others had done that and didnt want to look like I was copying them. I was just over it after that - I did the best I could, and I decided then it would be a good time to collapse.

I hadnt eaten, I hadnt had anything to drink for a few hours... and Amelia was just starting to wake up and move a bit. I was removed and sat down, given water, food and a paramedic checked me over. After an hour I was all better and went home for a few hours before going back for prize giving. I had figured out I would get either a merit for entering or a bronze medal. And I was right with getting a bronze. Im not sure on the score numbers as it wasnt put up...I think possibly because its a class that compulsary for those doing Waiter of the Year. So I dont know where I ranked per say in the class over all.

This class is usually one that later in the day and usually the same day as Innovative Table Setting but this year it was different. I guess I had a point to make - that pregnancy wasnt going to stop me from doing what I love and have a big involvement in. Next year I plan to do more, enter the same class for a bit of fun, maybe do Innovative Table Setting as well....and start getting into judging.

Friday, 22 July 2011

Tutorial - How to Make Scratchy Cards

While Im on a slight roll getting things organised for my baby shower which is only two weeks away, I finally decided I needed to get some more games together. In a bid to save money I have been using photoshop alot to create alot of designs for games and printing them off. I found on Trade Me and a few other sites while looking for game ideas scratchy cards for baby showers and I decided I wanted to make them for a little spot door price - so it was with the help of google that I searched the idea and found a few different methods to make them. Some had people actually buying already made scratchy stickers that you can stick down on your project others had actually methods. I found one that had quiet alot to it and seemed expensive (ie paraffin wax and embossing powder) but this one is a simple easy and cost effective way to make them.

What you need to make your scratchy cards is:

  • Card with design on it
  • Clear Contact Paper (clear duraseal)
  • ACRYLIC Metallic Paint
  • Dishwashing Liquid
  • Scissors/Trimmer/Punches





STEP 1: Print your design out onto cardstock, it pays to do a test run to get your size right on a piece of printer paper - this gives you the opportunity to figure out what size you need to cut your Clear Contact Paper too for your scratchy part to be over. (I used the Fiskars Lever Punch Circle Medium to cut out mine) Once you have done this, adhere the contact over the image/word you want to be hidden to later be scratched out.


STEP 2: Mix together in a paint palete or container TWO parts acrylic paint with ONE part of washing up liquid.


STEP 3: Paint over the clear contact - allow to dry and apply another coat or two if needed to make sure the image/word can not be seen.



Once fully dry they are ready to scratch away...!!



Antenatal Classes

Last week saw the end of me and Simon going to Antenatal Classes, we started them 4 weeks ago on the 21st of June, really scared and worried about what to expect from them. I had booked them in May some time, and I was really worried I would be all alone at them, while everyone else was couples being all happy lovey dovey towards each other, all excited and stuff....well I wasnt that far off with it being all couples, infact all the couples in our class were married..!! However we were all expecting our first baby...there was one other girl there who had a lady come with her but I dont know what her story was.... Lord only knows what people think of us, they probably assume we are married...who knows...the first class was a bit scary, especially when it came to introducing ourselves to the class. I had no idea how I was going to handle it or what I was going to say. Seemed like all the guys were introducing themself and their wife.....but I must say I was so proud of Simon for taking the bull by the horns and getting it over and done with!! It was short, simple and to the point without going to much into detail.

Each week we got given a some information that we covered over three hours, from birthing options and vaccines right through to bathing baby and breastfeeding. We watched a few DVDs including a couple of birth ones and one of shaken baby syndrom - that one made me cry, though you know its going to happen but when you see the baby being shaken it really cut me up a bit...think we were all shocked in the class over it.

Over all I think we learnt a few things we didnt know about before, or had only a little bit of knowledge on. We managed to bond a bit more - especially for Simon with his little girl as he has been away for 3 months. It was his chance to feel her hiccups and kicks....though he seemed to miss most of them, she will be all still and quiet when I notice it and he would put his hand on my belly.

We are now feeling a little more at ease with the pending birth of our first child - and I think our educator did a brilliant job of teaching us and filling out confused, scared and lost minds on information and answers to our qestions. Its also great to know that we can simply send her a text message with anything questions we may have still. We have also promised to bring our daughter in after she is born..!

Sunday, 17 July 2011

Thank You Card

So I got a little crafty on Tuesday night and got a thank you card made. It was our finaly night of Antenatal Classes and I wanted to thank our wonderful educator for the past four weeks of things she has taught us, I wanted to get her a present but didnt really know what to get and time was running out, I only just got the card finished when Simon turnt up to pick me up and go to class..! My mojo is totally lacking and missing...!! And I realllllly want it back..!

Meanwhile here is the card I made.


Monday, 4 July 2011

In memory of my Lil' Angel

I thought of you and closed my eyes,
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not thier choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But theres no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mummy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mum,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mummy set me free.
I miss my mummy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mummy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are Ok.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And you'll know that you're the best one!
~Author Unknown
My sweet little pepi - its 4yrs ago today since you left mummy and daddy to go up to Heavan, I asked myself everyday just what me and daddy must of done wrong to not have you here with us today, but I know deep down in my heart you left for a reason, and gave us a second chance to do what we had not yet done but have been able to do now. I know your up there in Heavan now watching over your baby sister.....Ive had days this year where I have thought and asked myself why did you leave, but she didnt....everyday I think of you, I have never stopped loving you....and everyday I pray to you to watch over your Daddy so.

We love you so much and miss you too - that will never stop happening, even though we may not show it so.

RIP Keiran Stefano James "Gummi Bear" Denham-Bell.
6th June 2007 - 4th July 2007

Sunday, 3 July 2011

Happy 25th Birthday to ME!!!

Im a quarter of a century old now....thats kinda scary....the past four years have been a bit of a blur for me, the past two I have spent competing in the Culinary Comps and this is the first year since 2009 that Ive not spent doing so, well I am competing just that they are at a different time this year compared to previous years due to the RWC.

Its also hard to imagine that a year ago I was planning on having a big party for my 25th......only here I am spending another big birthday pregnant again..!! That wasnt fully what I had plan, so instead of having a 25th Im having a Baby Shower in a month's time.....I here by declear a big 30th Party....(says me who keeps saying she wants a 5yr age gap between her daughter and a possible next one....do you hear that daddy dearest?? Mummy wants to have a party for her 30th....so anywhere after Amelia's 5th birthday I am happy with being pregnant again...! lol) - having said that 30th bday party two months before Amelia's 5th Birthday Party...ohh yea so not going to work...darn it!! lol

Must say - nice to see my Dad forgot my birthday again this year.....but its so easy for you to remember your eldest daughter's birthday 10days later...I dont understand you anymore..I really dont.

Thanks to all my friends and family who have been sending me birthday wishes, and to my boss also who emailed me....Im craving Black Forest Cake big time....

Sunday, 19 June 2011

In Loving Memory Of...

16th June marks the one year anniversary of my distant cousin Don Barriball's death. I refer to him as my uncle, purely out of respect for my elders. I remember the day he was tragically killed in a house fire vividly.

I was heading into work, it was the AirNZ Long Service Award Dinner - I remember doing about 10kms over the speed limit on the motorway and there being a speed camera parked up under the bridge in Highbrook - I freaked out majorly about being caught, at the time I had a van driving really eractically beside me, as it was I never got a speeding ticket from that day. I arrived at work upset, and ended up having to call Drew to calm down.....working a function for my dad's work with alot of his co workers and bosses there was hard, it made me miss him deeply but somehow after the peep talk Drew had given I was able to make it through the whole function - infact I remember one Long Haul Flight Attendant introducing me to so many AirNZ workers, using my name and my father's name...saying how brilliant he was, for creating such a fantastic person as me. Those there who knew my father know what a mark he has made in his job and on the company in terms of programming of their planes and stuff.

It was later on that night that I went into the kitchen, around 11pm or so it was and I smelt a fire, something was burning, but nothing was...which was odd to me it was like the burning smell from paper and wood, just put it down to kitchen smells - though it wasnt your adverage burnt food smell and we didnt have anything like a wood fire burner or anything...not even the tandoori ovens that we have now make such a smell...infact its rare you smell any type of burning/fire smell at my work.

The  following morning on the 17th I was woken by my mum who informed me that there had been a fatal house fire that my uncle has been in. I didnt think much of it at the time of her telling me, but it was later that night that it hit me - the grief. I started to have an anxiety attack purely focused on him dying in the fire and if he felt any pain from the flames burning him.....I had just started my exams that day, I had to consult with the University Councellor (it was so that I could have an exemption put in place for impaired performance on my exams), my GP and a friend who was a former fire fighter who had to tell me just what would of happened.

*** *** ***

A year on, my mind doesnt think of him much now - every now and then he comes across my mind and then I stop and think "Oh that's right....he died." Little things make me think of him, not very often though, its amazing how as time goes on people you knew for so long, after they die you forget about them - I dont know whats worse that, or not thinking of them much when they are alive and the day you think "Oh what happened to so and so..." and then...THEN you find out that they have passed away. I found it ironic that the house Simon and his family moved into this year was the house he moved into when he first moved down to Auckland from up north....part of me thinks of him and I feel comfort know that if Simon's parents remain living there and my daughter spends time there at that house she will be safe, guided by his spirit.

With that I sign off with.

2nd December 1953 - 16th June 2010 

Saturday, 4 June 2011

Happy Birthday Daddy..!!


Wishing my Daddy a Happy 55th Birthday.

I love you and miss you heaps...!!! xxxx

Friday, 3 June 2011

Happy 25th Birthday Hayley!!


Happy 25th Birthday to my Childhood Best Friend Hayley...!!

Aww I have sooo many amazing memories from the past 20yrs of us growing up, the days we spent with the horses, down in the beach hut, in the pool, at Pippins and Brownies, eating hot dogs and fizzy drinks from the food caravan your parents STILL own and operate at the flea market in Otara hehehe....and just being kids....Im so glad we are back in touch again and talking..! Hurry up and move back to NZ cause I miss you like crazy...!!

I love your birthday cause it always marked the one month count down to my birthday..! Hehehe...

Friday, 27 May 2011

A Good Week So Far...!

Ive been having a good week so far - after spending the weekend depressed and in bed crying and sick, Im greatful that the past three days have had something positive from them.

However I dont want to say to much detail about all the things that have made me happy until everything is all finalised...but its all career related...

I worked a big 770pax dinner on Tuesday, and I learnt a few things about my lovely unborn daughter - apart from the fact that she all the Sercuirty Boys goo-goo-gaaing over her already and the baby being a gril (you wait until she is born haha) - I already knew how much she LOVES Elvis Presley being played to her in the womb...I learnt something that she DOESNT like and that is opera/classical music...she hates it. I discovered this from observations in her movements, while we were all in the Great Room in our places by our tables waiting for the doors to be open, our Sound and Audio crew always play music while doing their set up, they started playing Elvis and she was kicking away (she does this alot when Im lying in bed and changed the radio to Coast FM, which plays reallllly old school retro music including Elvis). Then a few hours later in the middle of service, the function I was working had a Broadway theme, and had entertainers who were singing, she didnt like this one bit at all - I walked into the room, and as soon as Phantom of the Opera started she gave one sharp kcick and I started to have Braxton Hicks. I eventually had to go downstairs to the staff room for a break to make her relax...my boss who is wonderful and understanding had a little giggle over Pebble not liking the music..!

In addition to her love for Elvis she loves Elton John..! Guess she knows her grandfather was Elton's pool cleaner once (if that story Simon told me is true) but she must have her big brother looking down on her as his Nanny Sue Denham loves Elvis and Elton John...! Pebbles also likes a bit of Michael Jackson too.

I spent Wednesday helping Gina with training - Im so sad to hear that the numbers are just dropping for Innovative Table Setting - it is such an amazing class to enter for the comps!! Not just the Culinary Comps even Catering Plus Magazine's comp they have runned the past two years for it - I dont think people realise what a amazing thing it is to have your work printed in a magazine..! Or how great they both look on one's CV and help with your creativity with wanting to work in Events and Functions or even hosting your own parties and weddings etc. I watched the girl who has entered under AUT for this year - Im calling her my replacement, I want her to get Gold..!! Haha...or at least do well, someone has to replace me from AUT now that I am gone and am pregnant. I watched her do her table setting taking note of things to improve on, and then had a look at her over all layout and gave some advice and ideas to help lift it up and give it more than what she had going. She has a great idea and theme and its just a process of getting the little details in to pull it all together and express it through well. Gina is such a wonderful teacher and guide I know I owe alot to her for her advice and guidance - I also owe alot to my co worker Leo for him putting in his advice and ideas the last two years - hehe I guess in a way I took over him with Innovative Table Setting. So here I am doing the same thing and much like him next year I WILL be doing my judges assessments..!

In the mean time next week is the cut off date for National entries and I am going to enter Mystery Box Table Setting - I was going to enter it last year but couldnt afford to do it as the price and status had changed for Innovative Table Setting..! THIS year I will do it...I just hope I have my mojo there on the day to get something good out..!

I finished Wednesday off by having dinner at Four Seasons, I love the meals that come out of the Training Restaurant Kitchens and its great value too. I know that when Amealia is born that Gina will be taking her under her wing and taking her on a grande tour of the whole kitchen and two restaurants at Uni! She did just that with my niece Emma last year when she was only a couple of weeks old..! It just occured to me that I have pretty much a full vegeterian meal last night....I could just imagine if Simon was still around he would refuse to kiss me or be anywhere near me - thats the one thing that always hurt me with his whole anti fruit and vege thing, not wanting to kiss me or hug me because I had eaten a piece of fruit or something..sigh..

Monday, 23 May 2011

RIP Anthony Cram

Anthony Hayden Cameron McAllister-Cram
05 Jan 2007 - 23 May 2007

Today is it 4yrs since you laid your head down to sleep forever in the arms of your almighty creators. Free from the pain that your little body faught so greatly. You will be forever loved and missed by so many. The day we all said our final last goodbyes to you stays in my mind embedded forever - your little white coffin, the blue balloons we released up into the sky to you in Heavan, I treasure that one and only day I got to meet you just two weeks before you passed away.

E te Ariki, hoatu ki a rātou te okiokinga tonutanga
Ā, kia whiti ki a rātou te māramatanga mutunga kore.
Kia okioki rātou i runga i te rangimarie. Āmene.
Kia okioki i runga i te rangimarie mā tea tawhai
o te Atua tōna wairua, me ngā wairua o te hunga
whakapono katoa kua mate. Ä€mene.
    

Saturday, 21 May 2011

Baby Shower: Pink and Green Elephant Invites

My baby shower is only a few months away and I have set the theme of PINK and GREEN ELEPHANTS...!

I had asked Simon a few months ago to pick a colour but he never did, so you cant complain to me about not being involved if your not going to reply and distant yourself..! So I had to pick the colours myself - I had picked Pink and Brown last year for something different for my Baby Shower Table Setting theme for the Culinary Comps - having done that I wanted something different AGAIN from just your good old PINK.

The Elephants were completely random - My nana has a small collection of Elephants at her house, and for some reason I have taken a liking to Elephants, infact I was attemping to do my whole nursery with Elephants but failed on that one not being able to find what I wanted...!! Its so hard to find baby cot bedding in NZ and they seem to be going away from it all, the US and UK have HEAPS of things....but not little old NZ..

So my first mission with my baby shower has been doing the invites. I used Adobe Photoshop to create them in, I decided to print them out instead of hand crafting the invites purely because I havent got a list yet of how many people I am going to invite - I used a few different sites to get "supplies" from - most are digi scrapbooking kits and one dingbat font. The picture I have put up in this blog is one I have edited with fake name/contact details as I dont want all my personal contact details all on show so this is an example. My baby shower isnt being held at my work either - due to the Rugby World Cup the whole hotel is going to be busy and booked, and my staff discount doesnt apply during this period, that and well cant afford it all! BUT the date and time is correct to my shower :p



Papers: Baby Tender
 (*I changed the colours on the strip pattern paper to fit in with my theme)


Another Hospital Stay

Its been a week since I was discharged from Hospital again. I really do hate hospitals, I have a HUGE fear of them after spending alot of my childhood as an out patient for my Kidneys at Princess Mary before it was demolished and Starship Hospital was built. Princess Mary was an old scary hospital, and not the most child friendly place to be when your 3yrs old or so!

Friday saw me waking up early feeling sick, I managed to go back to sleep for a few hours before waking up again still feeling sick, I had to hunt out my sick bucket which I havent had to use since April when my morning sickness finally started to settle down. I started vomiting and then started to have contractions which left me screaming in pain and crying, arching my back. I also hadnt felt my little girl move which was starting to worry me - given I had only been on hospital just prior to easter for not feeling her move for a whole day.

My mum rang the Maternity Unit that I have shared care with and am registered to give birth at - taken that I have no complications at the time of giving birth and that I am not early - all the midwives were in a meeting at the time so were discussing what I was going through and what was best for me, they decided to ring through to another hospital before calling me back with what to do. The call back was that I had to go through to the Maternity Unit at the Public Hospital.

So I packed my bag (which was still already packed from my last hospital visit in Feb and then I ended up FORGETTING it) gathered all my maternity paperwork up, a large bottle of water, and was bundled into the car and off to Hospital. The car ride didnt help with the dizzyness or the contractions either. I arrived at the hospital at midday and was admitted into a ward - they were checking baby's heartbeat which was very low and hard for them to find - I hate having her heartbeat checked out as none of the midwives are able to find her like my GP (the difference between the midwives and my GP is that my GP finds it straight away and she always reacts to the sound of her heartbeat and her heart begins to beat faster than it normally does). I had a contraction rip me in streads of pain while they were trying to find her heartbeat in the hospital.

They then came with painkillers for me - some specialists ones which are very powerful and strong, and put an IV line into my arm - Ive never screamed and cried so much having one of them put in before - it turnt out that my veins had collapsed - so when they were flushing it and putting meds in they were running into my tissuse instead of my vein - I am now left with a pretty large bruise up my arm. So they had to remove that lurr and put a new one in my hand on my other arm which was just as painful - I was then hooked up to fluids and specialist drugs to stop the vomiting (they same drugs I have been on for my morning sickness, the only ones that work and dont make me more sick). I stayed like that hooked up for 7hrs.

I was issued dinner - which I couldnt eat due to it having mushrooms in it (never mind I had told the doctor that I was allergic to them), so the midwives had to find me something else to eat - which I just wasnt interested in. I was then discharged - on the positive not I guess depending on how you look at it my little girl did not stop moving around all night, I think it was about 4am when she  finally settled down - I think the whole process had really left her unsettled! For the past week now I have been battling really bad reflux, in conjunction to the odd Braxton Hick but thankfully they are no where near as painful as the ones I had in the hospital.

All I could think about when I laid in that bed, sick, hooked up to an IV line was how much Simon doesnt care about our daughter. How some whore took my innocent darling daughter's daddy away from her before she even got the chance to know him, meet him and spend soooo many memories that a little girl deserves with their daddy.....but most of all how Simon left me when I needed him the most when I was sick in hospital. I cant comprehend it all, how he was the one who rushed me to hospital, stood by my bedside in tears telling me how much he loved me, how I was his world and he never wanted to lose me 6months ago when I collapased - a month before we started trying for a baby and got pregnant, and to have him never be there again when I eventually fell pregnant which his child that we had been trying for. It hurts even more that he refuses to be at her birth - that he will never get to see that miracle of his own flesh and blood coming into the world. Im living in great fear of being alone, the thought of giving birth scares me more than it should, its not the pain, but its the being alone. Not having anyone there other than a medical staff member - no one to hold my hand, to coach me through, no one to share the tears and joy of what should be giving birth to new life.

Pregnancy is proving to be the most horrible nightmare ever for me. Ive yet to enjoy much of it at all. It shouldnt be like this.