Its been a week since I was discharged from Hospital again. I really do hate hospitals, I have a HUGE fear of them after spending alot of my childhood as an out patient for my Kidneys at Princess Mary before it was demolished and Starship Hospital was built. Princess Mary was an old scary hospital, and not the most child friendly place to be when your 3yrs old or so!
Friday saw me waking up early feeling sick, I managed to go back to sleep for a few hours before waking up again still feeling sick, I had to hunt out my sick bucket which I havent had to use since April when my morning sickness finally started to settle down. I started vomiting and then started to have contractions which left me screaming in pain and crying, arching my back. I also hadnt felt my little girl move which was starting to worry me - given I had only been on hospital just prior to easter for not feeling her move for a whole day.
My mum rang the Maternity Unit that I have shared care with and am registered to give birth at - taken that I have no complications at the time of giving birth and that I am not early - all the midwives were in a meeting at the time so were discussing what I was going through and what was best for me, they decided to ring through to another hospital before calling me back with what to do. The call back was that I had to go through to the Maternity Unit at the Public Hospital.
So I packed my bag (which was still already packed from my last hospital visit in Feb and then I ended up FORGETTING it) gathered all my maternity paperwork up, a large bottle of water, and was bundled into the car and off to Hospital. The car ride didnt help with the dizzyness or the contractions either. I arrived at the hospital at midday and was admitted into a ward - they were checking baby's heartbeat which was very low and hard for them to find - I hate having her heartbeat checked out as none of the midwives are able to find her like my GP (the difference between the midwives and my GP is that my GP finds it straight away and she always reacts to the sound of her heartbeat and her heart begins to beat faster than it normally does). I had a contraction rip me in streads of pain while they were trying to find her heartbeat in the hospital.
They then came with painkillers for me - some specialists ones which are very powerful and strong, and put an IV line into my arm - Ive never screamed and cried so much having one of them put in before - it turnt out that my veins had collapsed - so when they were flushing it and putting meds in they were running into my tissuse instead of my vein - I am now left with a pretty large bruise up my arm. So they had to remove that lurr and put a new one in my hand on my other arm which was just as painful - I was then hooked up to fluids and specialist drugs to stop the vomiting (they same drugs I have been on for my morning sickness, the only ones that work and dont make me more sick). I stayed like that hooked up for 7hrs.
I was issued dinner - which I couldnt eat due to it having mushrooms in it (never mind I had told the doctor that I was allergic to them), so the midwives had to find me something else to eat - which I just wasnt interested in. I was then discharged - on the positive not I guess depending on how you look at it my little girl did not stop moving around all night, I think it was about 4am when she finally settled down - I think the whole process had really left her unsettled! For the past week now I have been battling really bad reflux, in conjunction to the odd Braxton Hick but thankfully they are no where near as painful as the ones I had in the hospital.
All I could think about when I laid in that bed, sick, hooked up to an IV line was how much Simon doesnt care about our daughter. How some whore took my innocent darling daughter's daddy away from her before she even got the chance to know him, meet him and spend soooo many memories that a little girl deserves with their daddy.....but most of all how Simon left me when I needed him the most when I was sick in hospital. I cant comprehend it all, how he was the one who rushed me to hospital, stood by my bedside in tears telling me how much he loved me, how I was his world and he never wanted to lose me 6months ago when I collapased - a month before we started trying for a baby and got pregnant, and to have him never be there again when I eventually fell pregnant which his child that we had been trying for. It hurts even more that he refuses to be at her birth - that he will never get to see that miracle of his own flesh and blood coming into the world. Im living in great fear of being alone, the thought of giving birth scares me more than it should, its not the pain, but its the being alone. Not having anyone there other than a medical staff member - no one to hold my hand, to coach me through, no one to share the tears and joy of what should be giving birth to new life.
Pregnancy is proving to be the most horrible nightmare ever for me. Ive yet to enjoy much of it at all. It shouldnt be like this.
0 comments:
Post a Comment