A Good Week So Far...!

Ive been having a good week so far - after spending the weekend depressed and in bed crying and sick, Im greatful that the past three days have had something positive from them.

However I dont want to say to much detail about all the things that have made me happy until everything is all finalised...but its all career related...

I worked a big 770pax dinner on Tuesday, and I learnt a few things about my lovely unborn daughter - apart from the fact that she all the Sercuirty Boys goo-goo-gaaing over her already and the baby being a gril (you wait until she is born haha) - I already knew how much she LOVES Elvis Presley being played to her in the womb...I learnt something that she DOESNT like and that is opera/classical music...she hates it. I discovered this from observations in her movements, while we were all in the Great Room in our places by our tables waiting for the doors to be open, our Sound and Audio crew always play music while doing their set up, they started playing Elvis and she was kicking away (she does this alot when Im lying in bed and changed the radio to Coast FM, which plays reallllly old school retro music including Elvis). Then a few hours later in the middle of service, the function I was working had a Broadway theme, and had entertainers who were singing, she didnt like this one bit at all - I walked into the room, and as soon as Phantom of the Opera started she gave one sharp kcick and I started to have Braxton Hicks. I eventually had to go downstairs to the staff room for a break to make her relax...my boss who is wonderful and understanding had a little giggle over Pebble not liking the music..!

In addition to her love for Elvis she loves Elton John..! Guess she knows her grandfather was Elton's pool cleaner once (if that story Simon told me is true) but she must have her big brother looking down on her as his Nanny Sue Denham loves Elvis and Elton John...! Pebbles also likes a bit of Michael Jackson too.

I spent Wednesday helping Gina with training - Im so sad to hear that the numbers are just dropping for Innovative Table Setting - it is such an amazing class to enter for the comps!! Not just the Culinary Comps even Catering Plus Magazine's comp they have runned the past two years for it - I dont think people realise what a amazing thing it is to have your work printed in a magazine..! Or how great they both look on one's CV and help with your creativity with wanting to work in Events and Functions or even hosting your own parties and weddings etc. I watched the girl who has entered under AUT for this year - Im calling her my replacement, I want her to get Gold..!! Haha...or at least do well, someone has to replace me from AUT now that I am gone and am pregnant. I watched her do her table setting taking note of things to improve on, and then had a look at her over all layout and gave some advice and ideas to help lift it up and give it more than what she had going. She has a great idea and theme and its just a process of getting the little details in to pull it all together and express it through well. Gina is such a wonderful teacher and guide I know I owe alot to her for her advice and guidance - I also owe alot to my co worker Leo for him putting in his advice and ideas the last two years - hehe I guess in a way I took over him with Innovative Table Setting. So here I am doing the same thing and much like him next year I WILL be doing my judges assessments..!

In the mean time next week is the cut off date for National entries and I am going to enter Mystery Box Table Setting - I was going to enter it last year but couldnt afford to do it as the price and status had changed for Innovative Table Setting..! THIS year I will do it...I just hope I have my mojo there on the day to get something good out..!

I finished Wednesday off by having dinner at Four Seasons, I love the meals that come out of the Training Restaurant Kitchens and its great value too. I know that when Amealia is born that Gina will be taking her under her wing and taking her on a grande tour of the whole kitchen and two restaurants at Uni! She did just that with my niece Emma last year when she was only a couple of weeks old..! It just occured to me that I have pretty much a full vegeterian meal last night....I could just imagine if Simon was still around he would refuse to kiss me or be anywhere near me - thats the one thing that always hurt me with his whole anti fruit and vege thing, not wanting to kiss me or hug me because I had eaten a piece of fruit or something..sigh..

RIP Anthony Cram

Anthony Hayden Cameron McAllister-Cram

05 Jan 2007 - 23 May 2007

Today is it 4yrs since you laid your head down to sleep forever in the arms of your almighty creators. Free from the pain that your little body faught so greatly. You will be forever loved and missed by so many. The day we all said our final last goodbyes to you stays in my mind embedded forever - your little white coffin, the blue balloons we released up into the sky to you in Heavan, I treasure that one and only day I got to meet you just two weeks before you passed away.

E te Ariki, hoatu ki a rātou te okiokinga tonutanga

Ā, kia whiti ki a rātou te māramatanga mutunga kore.

Kia okioki rātou i runga i te rangimarie. Āmene.

Kia okioki i runga i te rangimarie mā tea tawhai

o te Atua tōna wairua, me ngā wairua o te hunga

whakapono katoa kua mate. Āmene.

    

Baby Shower: Pink and Green Elephant Invites

My baby shower is only a few months away and I have set the theme of PINK and GREEN ELEPHANTS...!

I had asked Simon a few months ago to pick a colour but he never did, so you cant complain to me about not being involved if your not going to reply and distant yourself..! So I had to pick the colours myself - I had picked Pink and Brown last year for something different for my Baby Shower Table Setting theme for the Culinary Comps - having done that I wanted something different AGAIN from just your good old PINK.

The Elephants were completely random - My nana has a small collection of Elephants at her house, and for some reason I have taken a liking to Elephants, infact I was attemping to do my whole nursery with Elephants but failed on that one not being able to find what I wanted...!! Its so hard to find baby cot bedding in NZ and they seem to be going away from it all, the US and UK have HEAPS of things....but not little old NZ..

So my first mission with my baby shower has been doing the invites. I used Adobe Photoshop to create them in, I decided to print them out instead of hand crafting the invites purely because I havent got a list yet of how many people I am going to invite - I used a few different sites to get "supplies" from - most are digi scrapbooking kits and one dingbat font. The picture I have put up in this blog is one I have edited with fake name/contact details as I dont want all my personal contact details all on show so this is an example. My baby shower isnt being held at my work either - due to the Rugby World Cup the whole hotel is going to be busy and booked, and my staff discount doesnt apply during this period, that and well cant afford it all! BUT the date and time is correct to my shower :p

Font: KR Baby's Favourites

Papers: Baby Tender

Baby Born*

 (*I changed the colours on the strip pattern paper to fit in with my theme)

Another Hospital Stay

Its been a week since I was discharged from Hospital again. I really do hate hospitals, I have a HUGE fear of them after spending alot of my childhood as an out patient for my Kidneys at Princess Mary before it was demolished and Starship Hospital was built. Princess Mary was an old scary hospital, and not the most child friendly place to be when your 3yrs old or so!

Friday saw me waking up early feeling sick, I managed to go back to sleep for a few hours before waking up again still feeling sick, I had to hunt out my sick bucket which I havent had to use since April when my morning sickness finally started to settle down. I started vomiting and then started to have contractions which left me screaming in pain and crying, arching my back. I also hadnt felt my little girl move which was starting to worry me - given I had only been on hospital just prior to easter for not feeling her move for a whole day.

My mum rang the Maternity Unit that I have shared care with and am registered to give birth at - taken that I have no complications at the time of giving birth and that I am not early - all the midwives were in a meeting at the time so were discussing what I was going through and what was best for me, they decided to ring through to another hospital before calling me back with what to do. The call back was that I had to go through to the Maternity Unit at the Public Hospital.

So I packed my bag (which was still already packed from my last hospital visit in Feb and then I ended up FORGETTING it) gathered all my maternity paperwork up, a large bottle of water, and was bundled into the car and off to Hospital. The car ride didnt help with the dizzyness or the contractions either. I arrived at the hospital at midday and was admitted into a ward - they were checking baby's heartbeat which was very low and hard for them to find - I hate having her heartbeat checked out as none of the midwives are able to find her like my GP (the difference between the midwives and my GP is that my GP finds it straight away and she always reacts to the sound of her heartbeat and her heart begins to beat faster than it normally does). I had a contraction rip me in streads of pain while they were trying to find her heartbeat in the hospital.

They then came with painkillers for me - some specialists ones which are very powerful and strong, and put an IV line into my arm - Ive never screamed and cried so much having one of them put in before - it turnt out that my veins had collapsed - so when they were flushing it and putting meds in they were running into my tissuse instead of my vein - I am now left with a pretty large bruise up my arm. So they had to remove that lurr and put a new one in my hand on my other arm which was just as painful - I was then hooked up to fluids and specialist drugs to stop the vomiting (they same drugs I have been on for my morning sickness, the only ones that work and dont make me more sick). I stayed like that hooked up for 7hrs.

I was issued dinner - which I couldnt eat due to it having mushrooms in it (never mind I had told the doctor that I was allergic to them), so the midwives had to find me something else to eat - which I just wasnt interested in. I was then discharged - on the positive not I guess depending on how you look at it my little girl did not stop moving around all night, I think it was about 4am when she  finally settled down - I think the whole process had really left her unsettled! For the past week now I have been battling really bad reflux, in conjunction to the odd Braxton Hick but thankfully they are no where near as painful as the ones I had in the hospital.

All I could think about when I laid in that bed, sick, hooked up to an IV line was how much Simon doesnt care about our daughter. How some whore took my innocent darling daughter's daddy away from her before she even got the chance to know him, meet him and spend soooo many memories that a little girl deserves with their daddy.....but most of all how Simon left me when I needed him the most when I was sick in hospital. I cant comprehend it all, how he was the one who rushed me to hospital, stood by my bedside in tears telling me how much he loved me, how I was his world and he never wanted to lose me 6months ago when I collapased - a month before we started trying for a baby and got pregnant, and to have him never be there again when I eventually fell pregnant which his child that we had been trying for. It hurts even more that he refuses to be at her birth - that he will never get to see that miracle of his own flesh and blood coming into the world. Im living in great fear of being alone, the thought of giving birth scares me more than it should, its not the pain, but its the being alone. Not having anyone there other than a medical staff member - no one to hold my hand, to coach me through, no one to share the tears and joy of what should be giving birth to new life.

Pregnancy is proving to be the most horrible nightmare ever for me. Ive yet to enjoy much of it at all. It shouldnt be like this.

Happy Mother's Day!

Wishing you all a Happy Mother's Day..!!

I worked my first Mother's Day in 3yrs, and I was so happy that I got to, it's one of the BIGGEST days in Hospitality...!! Langham puts on a fantastic Mother's Day Afternoon Tea they do, and the whole ball room is fulled with a buffet of the most devine treats, that are to die for..! It also teamed as a charity event for Hearing House. All the people I spoke to from my tables and other guests were blown away by the day and were enjoying every minute of it all. I wish I had gotten my mum a ticket, but I just couldnt afford it. Then she would of had to wait around for a few hours after it finished for me to finish up at work as she had dropped me off - me and driving just aint working well now, Amealia protests alot while Im driving, and I am getting very dizzy when I go out anywhere with my ears blocking up when driving. 

One of my co workers said Happy Mother's Day to me, it was so sweet, and a few others found out I was pregnant and were being so careful with what I was doing haha...I must say my work are very good when it comes to my care with me being pregnant especially management. For a while I felt that they werent impressed with me being pregnant and were trying to stop me from working due to being pregnant but now I can see its them taking care and caution knowing I have lost one child already and knowing that the nature of my job is very labour intensive and not the ideal environment to be in when pregnant.

I made a GREAT start to my shift though by walking into a giant screen...and hitting myself in the cheek bone just missing my eye....with a little tiny cut to my check and bruising I am feeling rather silly and sorry for myself...I blame baby brain, but I was disoriented for a while after hitting it, it was pretty good hit almost knocked myself out, and spilt water everywhere from my water jugs. I then had hot tea spilt on me TWICE by a guy who is doing work experience....I was NOT impressed at all...thankfully no burns or anything...

Other than that, over all it was a good day, Im proud of doing 8.5hours work, pushing myself and taking only a couple of breaks - and dealing with the heat and long duration on my feet.

I still owe my mummy a mother's day present however..! Not sure what to get her, but Im sure me and Amealia will think of something for all three of her Nana's to send.

Hope you all had a great day..!!

Pregnancy Dreams

Ive discovered over the past 5months that pegnancy has alot of dreams with it that are just way of out it in some parts and in other parts well and truely reflect how your personally are feeling deep down inside. Those fears you have but are trying to hide so very well from coming to be real.

Ive had dreams about celebs, like for example being in a helicopter and forgetting my socks and Simon Gault (who is an amazing chef that I am fortunate enough to have met a few times and owns an awesome restaurant on Auckland's vidacut) bringing me a pair of my socks - and they were infact a pair of socks I actually do own and have been in the back of my sock drawer for a while. Ive had dreams about childhood friends that Ive not seen in YEARS and Im back at school....then you have other dreams which are on the errm kinky level - I had a somewhat inappropriate dream of Prince William the night of his wedding after watching that on TV....!! LOL

Then you have the dreams that are nightmares, the ones where you are so tired that you force yourself to wake up from them and struggle to get rid of them when you close your eyes again. I had one the other night about my niece Meggan, where she had some unknown virus/illness that was spreading around people killing them and she decided that she didnt want to be resusitated, I told her she was a selfish little girl, and I left her in this motel room - upon looking through the key hole I saw her vomit and dying.....that really scared me and still does. There are alot of nightmares about people I know and love dying and being killed.

Then finally you have the dreams that reflect your own feelings and how you feel in everyday life. I had a dream about how I had my daughter though at the time the gender was unknown in the dream as well as in real life - where someone was trying to take her away from me as I wasnt able to feed her, I didnt get shown at all and didnt know how to breastfeed and so she was taken away from me - breastfeeding is a HUGE fear of mine, I want to do it as it is one of the best things I can supply to my baby to give her the best start to life and the protection and immunity against alot of illnesses, however there are memories surround the act from her father and I fear that she will do the same thing as him, and I will have the same thing happen to my poor boobs that I battled with in our relationship..! I knew that the dream was about my own self consious feelings but what I didnt realise at the time with her being removed from me completely was actually something that her father had decided he would be doing in real life. Taking her away from me to be raised by him and some other woman. I have had dreams where I am going into labour on my own, and giving birth on my own in strange places, this too is another fear of mine given that my daughter's father has now decided he doesnt want to be involved with our daughter's life while she is growing and developing. And I fear greatly that I will be on my own giving birth. Then there is the dream of me having given birth and having Simon walking into the delivery room late and missing his daughter's birth, freaking out over things, and our daughter screaming her head off at him when he attempted to hold her. Yet another fear, that because things to do with my pregnancy and the appointments and birthing classes he needs to be at is not suitable for him and his mistress, he wont have that bond with our daughter while she is in the womb.

I didnt enjoy my first trimester - and the second trimester which is getting close to coming to an end, the ONE trimester they say is meant to be the easy cruisey safe trimester has been hell and Ive not enjoyed it one bit. I fear my final trimster and pending motherhood. Most of all I fear that I am going to have a traumatic birth and that something is going to go wrong since everything else has and not a single positive thing as come out of being pregnant so far.

Life without Facebook

So last night I made the very hard choice of closing down my facebook account - I was starting to get annoyed at the number of people using it as a means of stalking me for information, gossip and amonition to use against me. OK I am a VERY outspoken person and in all honesty I dont see how people can tell me what I can and can NOT write on my facebook or post, much the same goes for my blog. Its MY facebook page, its MY blog I do and say what ever I please. If you dont like it dont read, and most certainly you dont have to post your views on it.

The second reason against me closing my account down was because of the Negative comments coming from people about me being pregnant. The negativity has been there from day one, so yes I have been putting up with this for 5months now, given that we found out on the 1st of Jan we were expecting our little girl - but it seems like I am the worlds worst mother and should not be allowed to have children at all. I dont see why this is, I mean I look back at what I have done, I have completed high school, I have worked for various places to get expereince, and I have also worked for some of the top restaurantuers, I have won medals and competed in compitions, I have had my work printed, I have endless number of qualifications under my belt that I have worked hard for, putting my jobs on hold to carry out further education with the plan to go back in a couple of years time to possibly do my Bachelors. OK so what if I live with my mum, I help pay and care for the house we live in, I help look after her when she is sick, I pay rent I dont live here  for free. I have my full licence and my own car that I pay for everything on.

Its not like I am a high school drop out who has never worked in her life, has no life skills and no qualifications with no intention of ever working or doing anything at all with their life - I have always been and still am very much focus and dedicated to my career - if you think having a child is going to stop me from reaching my major career goal of owning and operating my Restaurant and Bar that ive been dreaming of and planning since I was 16 then your so very wrong.

I get this major pressure from people that I should put my daughter up for adoption, because they see me as unfit, and all these other negative views - the sad thing is half of this comes from people who are parents themself, and all I can say is why didnt YOU put your child up for adoption? How is it that your soooo much better and deserving of a child than I am? Is it because you dont live with your parents? Is it because your rolling in money? Is it because your married? Or is it because your just being judgemental of other people and their life style with this stereotype and image of what the perfect parents and perfect child and perfect family is meant to be like? Im sorry to say, this isnt like it is in the movies....or on TV.

It was such a hard thing closing my account down for me - there were people who I am very close to that I havent told - infact one being my cousin who's daughter is fighting Neuroblastoma Cancer, facebook was one of the biggest ways we communicated and that she shared her updates on her daughter's progress and day to day life. I feel bad that I didnt send her a message telling her why I had closed my account down. She is one of the most amazing people in my life now, one of my biggest support people and I am very appreciative of that. When everyone else has been negative towards me, she has always been positive and I want to thank her for that. I only managed to send one message to my childhood best friend, we talk everyday now, and I feel horrible as we have only just gotten back in touch with each other - and she is all the way over in Perth now. I also didnt get to tell Robbie's SIL and brother that I had closed my account - but I can easily send them a text.

So here I am living life without Facebook - it is hard, I am getting bored more than I use to, I have nothing really to do on the internet anymore. I just realised I had planted crops and stuff on my Cityville city....what a waste that was...not that Ive played it or Farmville for a while, my addiction to those two games are somewhat slided since getting pregnant (lol cheers Robbie for inviting my to play them and leading me into becoming addicted to playing them!!!).

I just cant believe how much negativity and judgemental comments have been coming from my Friends, Family and Co workers about me having a baby - about me actually having a child make it past 6wks of gestation.