So here I am at 39wks gestation, this is the last week (I hope) of pregnancy and I cant wait until my little girl is here. Though I am begining to slip deeply into depression again and stressing out. While I have been doing my damn hardest to keep myself in a positive frame of mind and creating all these amazing positive images in my head about how things are going to be in my final weeks and in the lead up to the birth and the birth itself.....as time has progressed its all started to leave.
I cant really understand why I am struggling with things, and why my anxiety levels have shot up so high, Ive spent many years watching people I love struggle with things like depression...but for some reason this time it seems much harder - maybe its because I am pregnant and my mind and body is telling me I have a child I need to think about and put first. But doing so I have felt soooo guilty over and terrible things have happened from doing so. I have this horrible sinking feeling that Im going to be alone at my birth....that everything I had planned out, even had planned together and came to an agreement some weeks if not months ago with Si just isnt going to happen. A big huge part of me is saying he wont be there, he no longer cares....I am questioning the trust between us. I have put myself out to him for so long now, faught like nothing and I am now at the point where I can carry on anymore. Starting to ask myself well whats the point when I am being pushed further and further away everyday....for the past 6wks.....then I start self doubting myself.....and my brain goes into protective mode over my child.
And such things I know from early on in the year havent not turnt out very pretty - I spent alot of time suffering from anxiety and depression in fear of my daughter being taken away from me by some slutty girl who decided she wanted my man for herself and to ignore his daughter and to create a family with her. And here I am yet again wondering if that is about to happen again....I sit on the edge freaking out and waiting for that big bombshell to hit again.... when I go long periods without hearing from Si, especially when I have tried contacting him about important things to do with our daughter, like if I am in hospital or if I have bleeding or something......and I dont hear from him at all, I sit there scared that I will get a text or an email telling me where to go... I dont understand why you would do that to someone, someone who gives to much love, support and help to you, and you just throw it back in their face....ignore them...lie to them....keep such huge things secret from them and you dont spy on them or keep them under lock and key and take their voice and opinion away - and thats not what you do in a relationship regardless of how complicated and hard things are you most certainly dont do that to your children!! Ive spent soooo much of my life having my father make promises to me, saying things and it turns out it was just all lies. And look at how we are now, he doesnt even care about me or love me. This is the thing I keep saying I do NOT want my daughter to have to expereince ever. I dont want her living the life I did, I want her to have an amazing life....but it seems like thats just not going to happen.
All I think about how completely unfair all of this is to my daughter, she didnt ask for this, she isnt even born yet and she is already involved in this battle over who is to have her, who loves her and who wants her... I am starting to get really pissed off at people giving me the whole "ohhh he isnt worth it, forget about him, you dont need him, babies dont need fathers...." and "ohhh dont worry about him, just think about yourself and the baby they are more important" and "ohhh he doesnt get a say at all" - and I get REALLY angry and fustrated at such comments. Im lucky enough to have probably one or two friends who are on my side and are wishing and hoping that things change, who support my view that my daughter NEEDS her father there....that I need him here....that I cant do this on my own. A child is such a HUGE responsibility....its not a toy doll that you can just throw a nappy one, give it a bottle, put it down in a bed and then walk away somewhere and go off for some years because you have found a new toy to play with before coming back and playing with it again...or like a giga pet where if it just so happens to die because you didnt clean up its poop, play with it and feed it and there is a good old reset button on the back of ....its not like a bread maker where you make a few loaves of bread then shove it in the back of the cupboard and find a new applicance to play with....they are novity items like that....they are life changing responsibilities...
I know that there is someone out there I know and love alot, and I know they are reading this, they cant see the tears that fall from my eyes all day and all night, they dont see me lying in bed wide awake, in pain because the crying is causing me to have contractions.....they try to say I dont understand, but I bloody well do!!!! I have LIVED that life, I have been in that same position you are currently in not so long again and it almost distroyed me, it almost killed me....and I REALLY wish you could open your eyes and see and understand that i do so bloody know and UNDERSTAND it....I just dont want you to go through it because the stress and the cost it has on your health and well being.....just isnt worth it in the long wrong. It took me a long time to get out of it and through it and I had very little to no support....maybe I did I just ignored it and pushed people away......so to see you doing that.....what I once did when I was younger.....it bloody hurts and I just wish you would for once listen to me and put your pride aside and think about what you have coming to you very soon that is worth way more than all of this....! Otherwise you just wont be happy and wont enjoy it and one day you WILL regret it all and it will be too late............
It will be all gone forever and there will be no getting it back.
