Postnatal Distress (PND) Awareness Week runs from the 17th to the 25th of November. One in six women will experience mental illness in the first year after giving birth. A third of those women will still be experiencing symptoms when their child is two years old.
**This entry contains some hurtful truths, that may upset and anger some people, please do not take it personally, that is not my intention, I just want to tell my story about living life with Post Natal Depression. This IS a real thing and it is something that is both highly common with woman who have had a baby, but it is also very much shoved under the carpet and frowned upon, almost like a weakness.**
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| Our First Day together - 18th September 2011 |
My beautiful micracle - how could I ever be so lucky to have you here, alive and in my arms? The God and Goddess only knows what I did right to have you make it this far, and for me to be gifted finally with one of their precious creations. I have so many things I want to do with you, to show you, teach you and much more. While my labour was somewhat fast, it wasnt fully to plan, not the plan I had in place, that I built up and visualised in my head for so many weeks and months. The last min things I put into place prior to giving birth were not respected, infact nothing was. I was ignored in many ways from the very start, I wasnt listened too, I was never respected or supported fully by all around me, friends, family, co workers and medical professionals. Over time this has all built up like a gas, and it is only a matter of time before it will all blow up in a full on volcanic eruption. Spewing lava and ash across all paths.
The early signs were there from the start, losing my natural drug free water birth to having one on my back in a bed with gas and panic setting in place. My sister ringing me mins after giving birth disrupting my bonding time with my daughter, our vital skin to skin contact, my sister ringing up all the hospitals to find where I was and get any sort of information and this being given out - my sister rocking on up to the hospital within mins of me arriving yet again disrupting the rare bonding and skin to skin contact I got with my daughter at the previous hospital due to having to have surgery to repair tears post deliver (I was lucky to not make it into theatre after delivery). My sister rocking on up to the NEXT hospital the following day not long after arriving yet again disrupting all bonding and rest. All along I made it clear to her that I didnt want any of this to happen meer days before hand!!!?? I didnt want any visitors except immediate family with my prior permission until 6wks of age when Amelia had her first lot of jabs, and we have started to get into a routine and I had recovered and rested up somewhat. I didnt want anything plastered all over the internet by anyone, I wanted to do this myself in my own time. Sure people probably knew something was up if they hadnt seen me online for a few days. But my sister didnt once respect this at all, right down to her posting photos all over facebook without my prior knowledge or permission to people I dont even know asking to see them...!!! Before I even got the chance to announce my daughter's birth - I never did get to do this in the end, not in a facebook status, instead I was flooded with texts and facebook messages that I came home too, they had all read it on facebook thanks to my sister. I never got to post my OWN first photo, the official news from my mouth because she had already done this. I didnt even get to put a notice in the local paper here in NZ let alone one in the paper where Simon lived in England. Part of me holds a little bit of anger to my mum for calling her that morning when I went into labour, but I dont hold it against her, she wasnt the cause of all that happened afterwards. She was my person - she respected me and what I wanted.
I started to slip into depression then - in that first week when I didnt get to do what I wanted. That first month is a bit of a blur, it goes by so fast. I look back at photos and the few rare videos I did take and I just can not recall any of it. I read through old texts to Simon and it appears to be strange and odd. I slowly sunk deep down into depression and it definately wasnt from lack of sleep either.Reading alot of those old texts to Simon really hurt, I deleted well over 7000 texts to and from him, the ones from when my PND first started and hit its peak hurt the most to read and I couldnt delete them from my phone.
Around Halloween when Amelia was 6wks old, Simon got offered a new job, I was soooo happy as he had been made redundant and it came into effect two days before she was born (he had been on stress leave since July and put on meds due to the stress, I wasnt happy about the meds not one bit). Amelia also started to sleep through the night and I was falling asleep fine, and getting a good nights rest, my milk supply was going well too. But this new job wasnt all it was cracked out to be - with it brought Simon not having our little girl over night, infact we went a few months without seeing him because he was at work alot, it was hard, I didnt get a break, I was stuck at home with the same thing every day, like a broken record stuck on repeat or something and my friends slowly started ditching me when I really needed them. They rarely replied to my texts, and if they did text me it was purely to ask how Amelia was doing, or how Simon was. It was never about me, they never once asked me out anywhere or anything like that. Sometimes they would ask what I was doing and things like just changing Amelia's nappy, or hanging Amelia clothes and nappies out, feeding Amelia came back with a oh neat im off to blah blah concert, or having lunch/movie date with so and so....its soooooo brillant and amazing. Just made me feel like crap.
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| 6wks of age - When it all started |
Their attitudes were so horrible and I will never ever forget or forgive - being sperated from my daughter's dad for 7 months at the time and living with my mum, they expected everything to be fine that my mum would fix it all and that I had her so all was well, and that Simon would fix everything too, after all he is the father to my child. Like they were the two people I only needed in life... All I wanted was some normality, I wanted to go out and have a cuppa, window shopping, go for a walk what ever with some friends, I wanted someone to come and see us. But I was a mother now and I was pawned off to the mummy club, I was told by my so called best friends of 10-20yrs to go join some mummy groups online and hang out with my mummy friends - cause yes that was easy enough to do to go see them when they live on the other side of the country and in some cases the world..! Sure its easy to get from Auckland to Wellington or Christchurch, or from New Zealand to England or America..... I got so fustrated and hurt. In this time they would be going out to cafes, malls, other places with their friends and co workers, going on trips, getting engaged and doing other things...leaving me out of it all. Plus how would online groups help Amelia with Social contact?? I wanted her to have friends to learn from, that were her own age and at the same development stage, I wanted friends who also had children yes that I could bounce ideas off and compare things with if needed. Sure I joint a few groups but like my prenatal ones, I was cyber bullied so badly in them, in some cases by the same people.
Their lives were too busy with work and partners and friends to even remotely think about me. I quote one of my long term friends saying "she had a household to run and a full time job" - more so planning her wedding to her fiance she just got engaged too two weeks before I gave birth was the important thing, but then I remember all through my pregnancy her cancelling out on our swimming dates due to her partner. The novity had worn off. What I wasnt running any form of household because I had a child? Sorry I am not at work while I took unpaid leave off to give birth and I havent been able to go back yet..! Sorry I dont work full time and can jump in and out of jobs and be rolling in money like you. Not even my family seemed to really bother with me, I had a baby and they were not impressed from the very start. Babies are meant to be born to couples that are made up of a man and woman in a commited relationship long term, with full time jobs, high degrees and educations, with their own home and lots of money according to some of them - according to my step siblings. Not even my father had been in contact with me, after all his reply to me when I told him his granddaughter was born was "ok" and he had only seen her once, and it was purely because Simon said we should just rock on up to their house. To this day I havent seen my father since or heard from him. My sister and her 4 children are more important than me and my miracle child. But even when she had 2 child he wasnt interested in me and my baby that died. By the time Simon started his new job I had seen two of my friends ONCE, one friend I went over and saw her and she ended up starting a new job that week, and the other came over and saw me, she took photos of Amelia, promised to send me some via email when she got home. This never happened - infact I waited three months and after asking many times via texts and facebook messages for them before I gave up and cut my ties with her. She turnt bitterly nasty to me and sent a horrible email. Which just made things worse for me with my PND. Her life clearly was far to important over being a friend to me now that I had a baby. This was after all my so called best friend, the first person who knew I was in hospital when my son died 4.5yrs earlier. One of the first people I told I was pregnant with Amelia a few days before we did the test. The one who said she would be there for me if Simon wasnt when I went into labour....she was in a way my person.At the time Simon has lost one of his co workers that he made friends with in a car accident. Simon wanted Amelia more and I was in the process of building up their once a week overnight stays into two nights. A great big change, it would mean potentially more formula over breastmilk, but at the same time Amelia was starting to be interested in solids. Its was a huge change.
My GP had gone on 3 months sebatical leave after he saw Amelia at 6wks of age, I was a late referal to Plunket, so he saw her instead. I had done a test back then that they have all new mothers take, my PHQ9 score was sitting at 17 but he was confident I would be ok while he was away. But over the duration of him being away I wasnt, my Plunket Nurse spotted the signs, she noted how when she arrived I would be one person and when she left I would have perked up into another person, the social contact with someone other than my daughter and mum was what I needed she noted. She tried her best to help me, made extra visits to see us and went over and beyond the call of duty at Amelia's Well Child provider. I hated when she left, I feared it, I never wanted her to leave. PAFT came into play just before Xmas, and I hated the woman, she was horrible, and while I wanted social contact I didnt want her around. I went down hill over Xmas, into a dark hole to the point I no longer loved my daughter, I felt nothing for her, I would stay in bed and not want to get up to her, she wouldnt stop crying, I couldnt get her to sleep, to bring her wind up, or anything. I wouldnt stop crying, I wanted to died and in some cases I wanted to start self injury up again. I eventually gave up on my friends, they werent there for me when I was crying out for help. They told me to get help, to go on meds and that I was selfish in having a child, that I had no idea how lucky I was. One friend's attitude was that I purely had Amelia to keep Simon in the country, to prevent him from going back to England - this wasnt the case at all. All the little **hugs** comments and Your Daughter loves you, that is all you need in life comments and other bullshit on facebook to me really pissed me off and didnt help at all. Could these people NOT see that I wanted someone to come and see me, to invite me out, to make some change to the nappy changes and feeding that came with having a newborn baby?? Someone to just come over and make me a sandwich and watch Amelia so I could have a shower which I rarely got, I would be lucky if I had one once a week if not once a month - long enough to let me wash my hair and shave my legs. Someone to watch her while I had a nana nap - because sleeping when she was never worked for me, this was the time I got my mojo and was able to clean and do things. After all come 6wks of age, Amelia has ditched her day naps...!
When New Years arrived, I took Amelia to one of my friend's house for the night, I feared this being pure hell with a new baby, but infact it wasnt, it was a great night, being in social contact with people, some who I knew from previous parties my friend had hosted over the past year that I had known her from Uni. And Amelia was a dream - except for the fact I stayed up WAY to late and by the time I went to sleep she was up for the day not long after..! I wasnt out of the dark hole though. I had already arrange with Simon's parents that they could have Amelia on New Year's Day (I had seen them at the supermarket on New Year's Eve and they were happy I was going to see some friends) and I got a break finally from Amelia for the night, it was bliss, but I sadly didnt miss her at all. I didnt cry when they left, I didnt pine for her all night at all. Infact I felt nothing at all. And I knew this was something to be worried about. Infact this was about the time I started to not go to sleep at night and my periods were officially back to being regular, I struggled, Amelia was sleeping through the night but I wasnt able to go to sleep not until around 3-4am at least. I faught so much with Simon, he wanted to have her more but I was scared about what it would do to my milk supply and that she would start to wean off and reject me, but I wanted her gone at the same time. I didnt want her around anymore. I started to hate her, I no longer loved her. Simon knew he needed to help out more with his daughter and that she needed him. Many friends of mine were pregnant and due with babies and they couldnt understand what I was going through, how I could say such things about my daughter - why would they?? They didnt know what Post Natal Depression was. But then they didnt come to see me, they didnt talk to me or anything like that. I did however try to remain positive for them and not inflict fear into any of them, in a way I tried so hard to make sure they wouldnt go through what I was.
My GP finally came back from leave and I couldnt wait any longer, sadly I was 5 mins later to my appointment and they wouldnt let me see him, I was so angry and upset, they knew how I was feeling...so I had to wait a LONG week to see him again and due to memory problems I forgot my appointment and had to rebook again. FINALLY I got in to see him. My PHQ9 result was super high, and so treatment was started. However my GP respected my wishes in not wanting medication, he also didnt want to give me meds due to breastfeeding Amelia, he didnt want her on Formula due to the cost associated with it. Formula isnt cheap..! Instead he went with a green script, he ordered Social Contact, I needed to get out and be with people, see friends and being involved with some type of play group, exercise, that wasnt light but wasnt heavy either - but I suck at exercise, I need someone to team up with to motivate me. He also suggested I went back to work, to keep my brain occupied with something other than the repeated work of having a new baby. And so I went back to work after my unpaid leave was up after 14wks. I was so excited, but was made to feel worse by comments from my co workers about breastfeeding - they were another lot that didnt seem to really care that I was pregnant or had my daughter it felt. Infact to date they havent even been in contact or anything, other co workers since me with babies are top on their lists. I am forgotten and while we are facebook friends, this means nothing really at all and everyday I wonder how many have defriended me.
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| Nearly 6 months old - up at Poppa's Grave |
6 months on and I was enjoying the time away from Amelia, and Simon had been doing well with his job he had been promoted a couple of times, his days became fixed and we were able to arrange when he would have Amelia each week, this was a Wednesday/Thursday. I also started to let him have Amelia for longer, a whole 24hrs. With the school term starting back I was able to get into Mums n Bubs Yoga and I also started to go to the Coffee Group up at my local Plunket Rooms. But it all came crashing down come March, Simon had left his previous job as things werent going well after that death of his co worker and started a new one not long afterwards, and my son's "birthday" had arrived, I stopped going to playgroup and my sessions at Yoga finished and the new intake were all mums with much younger babies - new born nearly, and they sort of knew each other prior. By this stage Amelia had started to sit up on her own and was rolling around everywhere. She was more advance to those at Playgroup, the sessions were moved to another location also and she was way ahead of those at yoga. I was invited to go to Pilates but by now my PND was controling my sleeping so I stopped all of them. I was sleeping well until midday, and I wasnt getting to sleep until the early hours of the morning. I changed my shifts from days to nights again at work to fit in with everything. But it was falling apart again. Simon was still having Amelia regularly but we were having the odd fight now and then about stuff. Just silly stuff, stuff that would really make me depressed and lose my col and patience. They usually were around the time when I was due for my period. When we met I had my period and he had only been with me for a few weeks when I got my last period before falling pregnant with Amelia so he never knew me well like Rob did with my moodswings around my periods (Rob knew my dates well too).
Come May I decided it was time to move on from my job, it wasnt working out, my boss had moved to Australia and I wasnt happy that my support team had gone, I hated my temporary boss because of his communication levels and I never really got on well with him fully when he use to be my boss when I first started there. So I just stopped going to work, I managed to get a new job and finally I started to see a light at the end of the tunnel - by this stage Simon had started another new job and we were finally working things out well with when he would have Amelia. I even started to go back to Playgroup again and I was going to start doing Pilates again and also start doing swimming lessons too. I was happy and my GP had noticed a complete change in me. I also Judged the Auckland Regional Culinary Fare too. But it was short lived, in the terms that I ended up having to be at work all the time, any time off I had to go in for training or meetings, or I would be called in to cover someone, if I was on call I was needed, they had started a GrabOne deal and I didnt get a break at all after this, I never saw Simon when he came to get Amelia or dropped her back off again, infact it got to the degree where I rarely saw Amelia or Simon at that and I actually started to miss her. She consumed my thoughts all the time at work. I would see the Rescuse chopper take off and my mind always said a silent pray to my son to make sure his little sister was ok and safe, I knew she was but it was hard. My boss always made a point about how she wasnt a mother, and this became a daily thing me being a parent around my co workers, but I was determined to make things work, I could be a working mother, I needed this very much for my mental well being and for Amelia's too, and to try and save mine and Simon's relationship. Our little family depended on this. Then I fell ill with a chest/ear/thorat infection the day after my birthday and I wasnt able to go up to the cemetry to see my Poppa and Son for their Anniversaries - it was after all 5yrs since my son died and nearly 26yrs since my Poppa died and my boss didnt like this at all that I decided to go to the cemetry instead of work (I was medically off work until I could hear again in my ears and on medical advice if I wasnt better after a week I was to extend my certificate) and so she fired me after 6wks of being there for moreless being a mother. I never did get to make it up the cemetry since that day. And to add to that Simon stopped wanting Amelia more as he was always at work, and this just made things worse for me. The days changed to when he would have her also and I wasnt able to plan my weeks anymore because he shifts were always changing (so much for the fixed days and hours I was told when he started).
I went spiralling back down again into depression and I started to hate Amelia again and all my hard work started to fall apart. Big fights started up with Simon and I just couldnt handle anything anymore. I didnt want to be here anymore, my career was over and I was sick with a very long chest infection - which after I finally got better from I came down with a gastro virus. I finally got better again but came down with another chest infection, I judged and competed in the National Culinary Comps while I was very ill. It took me a while to get over it and I finally did when I came down with yet another infection...! It didnt help that Amelia was sick too with the same thing but minor cases, she was also cutting a tooth each time. Come Amelia's birthday I was depressed, over all the happenings in the past year. Nothing went to plan, it was a year of hell and I didnt enjoy 90% of it at all. For me it marked a year of disappointment, sorrow and many more things. I failed to see the positives in it all. Though I try so hard to think about them and what they are - partly why I have never updated anything to what she has done like I planned too. And then I got hit an infection in my eye which sent me down more - Amelia was also knocked with a gastro bug again for a few days, I couldnt see or do anything, I couldnt work, I couldnt drive, I stopped going to playgroup again and doing everything. I became dependant on my mum so much and had arguements with Simon. Just resently I have been dignosed with an inflammatory disease which has left me lost in many thoughts about what I can and can not do. I have so many questions unanswered and I feel let down by so many people yet again. Friends, family, co workers and medical professionals. Even my friends I have made at playgroup dont come to see me, I will never return to the Plunket Rooms for this group anymore because I dont feel comfortable there, I feel excluded and judged and its a continual battle trying to control my over active child who is more advance to the others of her age group. While they say I am welcomed, I do not feel like going back there - I am however happy to be around them away from this place though.
I feel terrible that I fight so much with Simon when things do not go my way, when I can not control our daughter, 90% of the time I fee like a failure and a crap mum, many days I wish the God and Goddess has taken her back too, and sometimes when I am very down, my mind things about those who have been trying for so long to have a baby and how they could potentially give our daughter more than what I am giving her. Its a horrible thought system to have take over your brain, and many people keep telling me I need drugs to fix it - what they dont know is that these drugs do not do anything. Its those people who say those things, who dont give support and help that just give and do more damage to what is already there. They do not support or understand letting Nature takes it course or how to do things naturally. I beg like crazy to Simon to help me, and I know that my words come out harsh to him and they hurt it, all I want is HELP, and he is the only one that I know who can help ME with OUR daughter, I dream of the day when I can freely take her to his place and not be dependant on him for everything, I dream of the day when we can be a family, and be like we were when we would all sit down around a table and have dinner together - I was 5wks pregnant the last time, I had visions in my head of our daughter sitting at the table with us eating dinner once she was born.....(bit like in the opening credits of Full House in a way I guess). Most of all I dream of the day when Amelia can be with her daddy longer than what she already spends with him. I dream of the day when he will get up in the middle of the night and bring her into me to be feed, something that has only every happened once she was a week old, but instead he let me sleep and he stayed up all night with her and feed her bottles. Because how things are at the moment hurt too much - I hate when she comes back home because she is still in "Daddy Zone" and she appears angry and upset that Daddy must leave and go home. Counting down the days to when we see him again is horrible, it consumes alot of my time and usually come midweek I am over it and want to be rescued by someone from her..!
I feel terrible that I fight so much with Simon when things do not go my way, when I can not control our daughter, 90% of the time I fee like a failure and a crap mum, many days I wish the God and Goddess has taken her back too, and sometimes when I am very down, my mind things about those who have been trying for so long to have a baby and how they could potentially give our daughter more than what I am giving her. Its a horrible thought system to have take over your brain, and many people keep telling me I need drugs to fix it - what they dont know is that these drugs do not do anything. Its those people who say those things, who dont give support and help that just give and do more damage to what is already there. They do not support or understand letting Nature takes it course or how to do things naturally. I beg like crazy to Simon to help me, and I know that my words come out harsh to him and they hurt it, all I want is HELP, and he is the only one that I know who can help ME with OUR daughter, I dream of the day when I can freely take her to his place and not be dependant on him for everything, I dream of the day when we can be a family, and be like we were when we would all sit down around a table and have dinner together - I was 5wks pregnant the last time, I had visions in my head of our daughter sitting at the table with us eating dinner once she was born.....(bit like in the opening credits of Full House in a way I guess). Most of all I dream of the day when Amelia can be with her daddy longer than what she already spends with him. I dream of the day when he will get up in the middle of the night and bring her into me to be feed, something that has only every happened once she was a week old, but instead he let me sleep and he stayed up all night with her and feed her bottles. Because how things are at the moment hurt too much - I hate when she comes back home because she is still in "Daddy Zone" and she appears angry and upset that Daddy must leave and go home. Counting down the days to when we see him again is horrible, it consumes alot of my time and usually come midweek I am over it and want to be rescued by someone from her..!
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| One year together - 18th September 2012 |
Every month is a reminder of what has happened over the past year - like a year prior. I seem to recall everything that happened at that time the year before. Everyday is a continual battle for me now - I stand on mutual ground with my daughter, I love her to death but she also does things that really pulls me down and I can not cope. I live a very lonely life, most will say I pushed people away, but this isnt fully true, I have cried for help for well over a year now but people left me as they didnt understand a single thing and they still dont. Everyday is the same for me, there is no joy or excitement such things are rare and I struggle with trying to find the beauty in things now. The biggest thing I want is to be happy, to be wanted, to be loved and to have a break from my daughter that is longer than over night once a week.
Most of all I want to be ALIVE again because that day in that delivery room - I DIED. I started dying the day I found out I was pregnant, I was turning into a different person, but when she was born it was the day I died. I went to hell after that. I dont believe in hell with my religion there is no such thing, but I feel like someone picked me up and dropped me down a volcanoe to the centre of the earth.
For me life with PND is horrible, alot of people I know who have had it had managed to climb up over it but they seem to have happy lives with a loving devoted husband, supportive family and friends and go places, do things and other exciting things I can only dream of. I dont know what the future holds for me. I no longer plan things because of my PND. I do not enjoy parenthood anymore, I do not see the joy in it. Because PND has killed me. My life that was died the day I became a parent and PND took over. I have cut myself from many things due to being bullied, but many people are not aware of what further damage they do to a new parent suffering from PND, how much worse they make it.
This is my life, and as hard as I try to change things, I can not see through the dark. All I can do it ride it out and pray like crazy to the God and Goddess that I do not screw up and I am allowed to be happy again and most of all the turn a light on somewhere down this dark tunnel soon!
