Sunday, 4 September 2011

Happy Father's Day

(Not one of the bestest photos, I have one SOMEWHERE that I love of me and my daddy when I was a baby asleep with him in bed)


Its Father's Day today down in New Zealand. And of course I have left it too late to get cards, I was the same for Mother's Day..! I just couldnt find one that I liked for the people I wanted to get cards for..! And then the price of them - you would think I would just make the cards myself but I just dont have the mojo right now. I got really teary eyed reading fathers day cards the past few weeks..! I blame the hormones.

Though my dad pretty much has nothing to do with me now - I still want to wish him a happy father's day...and with that also a happy father's day to my daughter's wonderful daddy...sorry she isnt here for father's day but she does have a present for her daddy..! She will be a late father's day present for you!

I love you both so much!! xxx



Friday, 2 September 2011

The Final Week...

So here I am at 39wks gestation, this is the last week (I hope) of pregnancy and I cant wait until my little girl is here. Though I am begining to slip deeply into depression again and stressing out. While I have been doing my damn hardest to keep myself in a positive frame of mind and creating all these amazing positive images in my head about how things are going to be in my final weeks and in the lead up to the birth and the birth itself.....as time has progressed its all started to leave.

I cant really understand why I am struggling with things, and why my anxiety levels have shot up so high, Ive spent many years watching people I love struggle with things like depression...but for some reason this time it seems much harder - maybe its because I am pregnant and my mind and body is telling me I have a child I need to think about and put first. But doing so I have felt soooo guilty over and terrible things have happened from doing so. I have this horrible sinking feeling that Im going to be alone at my birth....that everything I had planned out, even had planned together and came to an agreement some weeks if not months ago with Si just isnt going to happen. A big huge part of me is saying he wont be there, he no longer cares....I am questioning the trust between us. I have put myself out to him for so long now, faught like nothing and I am now at the point where I can carry on anymore. Starting to ask myself well whats the point when I am being pushed further and further away everyday....for the past 6wks.....then I start self doubting myself.....and my brain goes into protective mode over my child. 

And such things I know from early on in the year havent not turnt out very pretty - I spent alot of time suffering from anxiety and depression in fear of my daughter being taken away from me by some slutty girl who decided she wanted my man for herself and to ignore his daughter and to create a family with her. And here I am yet again wondering if that is about to happen again....I sit on the edge freaking out and waiting for that big bombshell to hit again.... when I go long periods without hearing from Si, especially when I have tried contacting him about important things to do with our daughter, like if I am in hospital or if I have bleeding or something......and I dont hear from him at all, I sit there scared that I will get a text or an email telling me where to go... I dont understand why you would  do that to someone, someone who gives to much love, support and help to you, and you just throw it back in their face....ignore them...lie to them....keep such huge things secret from them and you dont spy on them or keep them under lock and key and take their voice and opinion away - and thats not what you do in a relationship regardless of how complicated and hard things are you most certainly dont do that to your children!! Ive spent soooo much of my life having my father make promises to me, saying things and it turns out it was just all lies. And look at how we are now, he doesnt even care about me or love me. This is the thing I keep saying I do NOT want my daughter to have to expereince ever. I dont want her living the life I did, I want her to have an amazing life....but it seems like thats just not going to happen.

All I think about how completely unfair all of this is to my daughter, she didnt ask for this, she isnt even born yet and she is already involved in this battle over who is to have her, who loves her and who wants her... I am starting to get really pissed off at people giving me the whole "ohhh he isnt worth it, forget about him, you dont need him, babies dont need fathers...." and "ohhh dont worry about him, just think about yourself and the baby they are more important" and "ohhh he doesnt get a say at all" - and I get REALLY angry and fustrated at such comments. Im lucky enough to have probably one or two friends who are on my side and are wishing and hoping that things change, who support my view that my daughter NEEDS her father there....that I need him here....that I cant do this on my own. A child is such a HUGE responsibility....its not a toy doll that you can just throw a nappy one, give it a bottle, put it down in a bed and then walk away somewhere and go off for some years because you have found a new toy to play with before coming back and playing with it again...or like a giga pet where if it just so happens to die because you didnt clean up its poop, play with it and feed it and there is a good old reset button on the back of ....its not like a bread maker where you make a few loaves of bread then shove it in the back of the cupboard and find a new applicance to play with....they are novity items like that....they are life changing responsibilities...

I know that there is someone out there I know and love alot, and I know they are reading this, they cant see the tears that fall from my eyes all day and all night, they dont see me lying in bed wide awake, in pain because the crying is causing me to have contractions.....they try to say I dont understand, but I bloody well do!!!! I have LIVED that life, I have been in that same position you are currently in not so long again and it almost distroyed me, it almost killed me....and I REALLY wish you could open your eyes and see and understand that i do so bloody know and UNDERSTAND it....I just dont want you to go through it because the stress and the cost it has on your health and well being.....just isnt worth it in the long wrong. It took me a long time to get out of it and through it and I had very little to no support....maybe I did I just ignored it and pushed people away......so to see you doing that.....what I once did when I was younger.....it bloody hurts and I just wish you would for once listen to me and put your pride aside and think about what you have coming to you very soon that is worth way more than all of this....! Otherwise you just wont be happy and wont enjoy it and one day you WILL regret it all and it will be too late............

It will be all gone forever and there will be no getting it back.

Happy Birthday Mummy...!!



Happy Birthday to my Mummy..!!!

I hope you have an amazing day today, and i hope you know just how much I love and appreciate ALL you have done for me over the years. How much of your life you have given up and put on hold to support me and raise me and dedicate to me. I also want you to know just how much I appreciate the love and support you have given me this year through my pregnancy - I know that you and your grandaughter are going to have such a tight and loving bond.

Tuesday, 16 August 2011

Shower of Gifts

Ive already thanked all my friends and family who came to my baby shower in my last blog post, but I just wanted to thank them all again for their gorgous gifts they gave to us for our little girl. It is really appreciated your support and love towards us and our daughter. xxx


Stash Pic #1


Stash Pic #2 - look at those gorgous Marks and Spencer Clothes!!!

Monday, 8 August 2011

My Baby Shower..!!

Me and mum have spent most of the week busting it out in the kitchen getting food prepared for the baby shower, we made all sorts for it such as:

  • Coconut Ice
  • Rum Balls
  • Baby Meringues
  • Rocky Road
  • Louise Slice
  • Cupcakes with Butter Icing
  • Apple Rubarb Spice Cakes
  • Sugar Cookies
  • Chocolate Crackles
  • Savory Muffins
  • Sammies and Wraps

Plus other store brought things like Spring Rolls, Samosas, Sausage Rolls, Cocktail Sausages, Chicken Bites, Chips n Dip, Biscuits.

I got my balloons filled with Helium on the friday afternoon with a chemical added into them to keep them up long enough for the baby shower the following day, I spent hours going around shops trying to find just plain pink and green balloons but no one had ANY at all, well they had bright pink but I didnt want a bright pink and they had dark green and I didnt want a dark green either..I couldnt even find matellic balloons....I eventually ended up getting a pack of mixed colours...but I was short one pink balloon....but compromised in the end. I had two chinese paper lanterns too that I put up for decorations.

On the moring of the baby shower mum woke me up asking for help in the kitchen as she flooded it - I woke up thinking well why mother have you got the washing machine going if you flooded the place (the sink in the laundry is usually the culprit here when something falls in it blocking the drain) but it was the kitchen sink she flooded, she had filled it ready to wash dishes and was multi tasking... thankfully we got it all cleaned up, the floor did need to be mopped so it gone done differently..! LOL!

I had never ending Braxton Hicks and Pelvic pain while making sammies and wraps it wasnt easy, I had also run the maternity hospital for the second time (had called the night before) about my pelvic pain but got no help from them again about it. I think we got everything almost done and set up by the time people started to turn up, just had to wait for the savoury foods to be heated through and cooked.

My sister seem to win every game I had going - I had a couple of other games planned but didnt get around to playing them, I had guests leave early and arrive late so couldnt get them all done to plan. But the ones I did have took a bit of brain power for my guests - I think the most fun game was probably the Guess the Baby game - I had printed off photos of my mum and dad, my sister and me, my nieces and nephews, both my granmothers, and simon and his sister all as babies and had numbered them and gave out a list of names and had people guess who was who. Looking back at the results people wrote down its pretty funny seeing who got some of them right and had never met or seen the photos before - and who got some around the wrong way. For example my parents around the wrong way, my nephews, my sister and me - then there were some who got them extreme to the point of Simon and my nephews....or his sister and my nieces. My nana made me laugh when she saw Simon and his sister's baby photo thinking it was her knitting with the blankets they had...I had to go to her nooooooo....she of course knew who were her children and which one was her. She did wonder where I got the photos from of her and I pulled out a stash of old photos of her as a baby and of my dad and aunt growing up...all which she has given over some stage of my life or we have gotten hold of somewhere. I would of loved to have photos of my granfathers and some of simon's parents but didnt have any sadly.

I gave prizes out to the runner ups since my sister kept winning ever game!!! I had gone to Soap Opera in Botany Downs Mall and they have a bathtub full of soap offcuts where you can fill a paper bag up with $20 worth of soap. I did that and had them trim some of them a bit and gift wrap them.

Gift opening was so much fun - my mate and co hostess Yaz sat next to me for it (she was my official photographer for the day) and wrote down every thing I got and who it was from. I think from my wish list we got some of the things I had put on but we were left with some of the most important items not given as gifts - for example a nappy bag which we were really holding out for, I had put a temporary stop on buying more baby stuff with Simon as we wanted to see what we would get from the baby shower. Of course this left us with a list of things we really needed....I ended up getting a nappy bag myself from KMart 50% off as it was the one in stock, so I have been able to at least get Amelia's bag packed ready for the hospital..!

We got some really gorgous things - socks, hats, bibs including some Holden ones (from Aunty Yaz who knows that mummy and daddy are Holden lovers in the Ford vs Holden debate), outfits, blankets, couple of record books, a Peter Rabbit Dinner Set (even with a wishlist given my neighbour just didnt know what to get me, so I had dropped her a couple of hints of much needed items...of course Peter Rabbit was left off the list when I wrote it, but I had told her that Simon loves Peter Rabbit...so thats how we got that gorgous set). All our gifts have been really well appreciated and we do love everyone who got us something. And I have to say thank you soooo much to Amelia's Nanna for the gorgous outfits she got from Marks and Spencer...! Your grandaughter is going to look gorgous for her first year of her life as she grows into them..! xxx As always I love how you wrap your gifts to family and friends...

Even with a number to cater for I did end up with heaps of food left over, esp the sweet food that is, Ive noticed hot foods - the savoury items do go fast at parties over other foods.

End of the day I had a great time and thanks to those who did turn up, I really appreciate your love and support towards both myself, Simon and our daughter. Im still waiting for my mate Yaz to send me all the photos she took. and once I get them I will post some collages. In the mean time here are a couple of my fave ones of Simon with my nieces Meggan and Emma....though he spent most of the day teasing Meg NON STOP, he is a pretty awesome Uncle, and I know he will just as good a father to our daughter when she is born.  


Friday, 5 August 2011

The Calm Before The Storm...

Well its been an odd week so far, it seemed to start out fine but then it turn rather dark and it seems I have been sailing stormy waters since. While I have lots to do before my baby shower takes way tomorrow, it was somewhat sunny enough to go to the beach - not warm enough to go swimming or anything but a nice drive out and walk along the beach...bit of one on one time, and daddy daughter bonding given we are 5.5wks off our little girl making her grand entrance into the world.

I headed over and picked Simon up and we went for a drive out to Maraetai Beach, I havent been there for well over 10yrs, actually a little less now that I think about it, I went there for one of my ex best friend's 18th birthday about 5yrs ago. We drove around a bit and found a little parking area where we parked up and went and played on the playground like big kids.....sadly they are the most strangest swings there and well big fat preggo me couldnt get into the swing....Simon took great job out of photographing my attemps of getting into the swing then trying to get back out of it...we had a little go on the slide, I almost got stuck....and played on a few other things...seemed pregnancy isnt very friendly when it comes to play grounds...!! But the photos were cute and funny.

We walked along the beach as the sun was slightly setting then walked down alone a peir where we sat cuddled up, Simon sitting behind me with his hands protectively on my belly...head nuzzled into my hair and neck. His little girl was moving around a little bit...it always gives me a great feeling when he gets to feel her moving or has the hiccups. We took some photos of our hands on my belly and a few other pics of each other.

It was such a nice little late afternoon trip - only when we headed back home did it all fall to pieces and into tears. And it was such an event that I was almighty lucky I didnt go into premature labour, but it has left me rather upset and making me think some not so nice thoughts....but also thinking other things.....and in all honestly I have no shame in saying what happened - and this person you may be family and related to me via MY daughter, but there is NO way you can make me shut up, freedom of speech. Im well aware you yourself are probably reading this, or you have friends and family back home in the UK reading my blog, spying on me....but you have really well and truely changed my mind on what I thought of you...you make things just a little bit more clearer to me about what kind of person you really are.

I repsected you, I opened my home to you, and what do you give me?? Absolutely nothing, you have made me feel unwelcomed and unwanted and not only me but mine and your SON's daughter too - your own GRANDAUGHTER..! You wonder why I left when I did? It was because of you, you were one of the biggest factors in me leaving almost 6 months ago....because of how you made me feel. Having me around felt like I was a big inconveneince to you. Your entitled to your opinion, but obviously truth hurts for you to see it put out in front of you - I will NEVER forgive you for what you said to me, and how you almost endangered your grandaughter's life. Not only did you hurt me, but you hurt your son too... but you also have cost your relationship with you grandaughter now. I dont think you love her, let alone want her, and because of that I dont think you should be allowed to see her - left alone with her. But then having cut yourself off from most of your family would that really bother you much? Or are you just happy again that you have undone all the hard work that me and your son have worked hard on rebuilding and sorting out. On the bonding and relationship I have been trying to get him to form with his daughter before she is born....trying to make OUR family work out.

Because of what you have said and done towards me - you have also distroyed the relationship your SON had with his DAUGHTER...! You clearly dont want to see him happy or taken away from you, but now you have gone and forced him pretty much well and truely away from me but most of all his daughter and because I that I will NEVER forgive you. I hate the way you make me feel, I hate men like you who belittle woman and treat them like a piece of dirty especially pregnant woman so close to giving birth....!

BUT maybe you havent learnt one thing about me - I have Northern Irish blood running through my viens (as does your grandaughter), and I know how much you HATE them, but we dont give up without a fight... I dont give up without a fight....I also have German blood just like you too, and I am the grandaughter of a WW2 war veteran. I WILL fight for my family....and that family includes your son who the father of my daughter..!! You will find yourself very lonely one day when you have pushed away all of your family and those you love.

Thursday, 4 August 2011

RIP Poppa: Sidney Watters


Sidney Watters
3rd March 1929 - 28th July 1986

Its 25yrs since you lost your battle with cancer. I was only 3.5wks old, and I had only just met you for the first and only time two weeks before you passed away. I dont have any memories of you, I dont have any stories to tell, but its the stories and the photos that are shared with me from mum and Karee that keep you alive and build a picture in my mind of who you were and what you would of been like if you were still here today.

When ever I go to work, I think of you, as much as I hate how far away from the changing room my locker is I love how its right next to housekeeping...and that is where I feel so close to you. I was on a mission to find baby photos of nana and mum for a baby shower game I have planned, and we were going through the old trunk nana keeps under the bed full of photos, postcards, letters, cards, school reports and other things. And she handed me a photo of you, one I have never seen before, I scanned it and restored it, there was only slight damage to it...but its another treasured photo of you I now keep close to me. Its of you at work as a dry cleaner.....we have these same steam press at work, and I remember one time my supervisor taking me down to use them to get creases out of table clothes (there are some clients who are so up on detail they dont like having the creases in linen and so we have to iron ever single napkin/table cloth so they are gone) - and she told me to use it and I turnt around and said I was very sorry that those genes didnt pass through to me, so many pedals and levels to push and pull...!

I miss you so greatly, and I never really knew what it was that mum and Karee cried over at your grave when I was a child, I use to think it was silly but as I have gotten older I now understand it. Even more so now in the past few years, since losing my first baby...who would of been born on your birthday, but sadly passed away 24days shy of your 21st anniversary. I know he is up in heavan with you, and your being such an amazing and loving great grandfather to him, just like you were as a grandfather and father. I also know your up in heavan with your son, and that your not alone or unhappy.

I will always love you and never forget you, even if I dont hold memories in my mind of you, not even that one and only time we got to met, but I know I was very lucky to have had that cuddle with you. Thank you for holding on long enough for me to be born and to met me.

Love always "Your Little Angel"