I really wish I had kept a diary everyday or more regularlly with this pregnancy! Reflecting on the past 4.5 months is going to be a mission. I started one when I was pregnant with Gummi - of course there were only a few entries in it, it was set up so that one day when my child was older I would give this diary to them so they could read everything, all the entries and letters I wrote to them during their time in my womb; the last entry in that diary was me saying goodbye to my beloved son when he passed away inside of me. I begged him so much not to go in one of the entries, I expressed how worried I was about him......I finally ended that diary telling how much I loved him, and how much his daddy loved him, just how much we will miss him but knew he went for a reason.
That reason was being a second chance at life, to really be able to do the things we wanted to do and had not manage to do yet. I dont know why it never crossed our minds at the time, perhaps it did with Rob for he was the one who said he wanted to be 25yrs old when to have kids as he would of been able to do alot of things like travelling for example....I agreed with him on that one - though our little Angel had other plans for us - maybe he was there to teach us a lesson, for I thought life would be a breeze, I wasnt worried about anything back then like I am today, maybe it was an age related thing, I will never know. What I do know is, I would not have been able to have done the things I have done these past four years, my career itself has become such a big focus in my life, working towards my goal of my dream of opening up MEB Bar and Restaurant - the competitions I have entered, the highly ranked restaurantuers I have worked for, the people I have met and worked with, and the events I have been fortunate enough to be involved in right down to the vital subjects I have learnt while at University wouldnt have happened probably had I been a mother at such a young age. My son has been my guidance and inspiration and driving force through all these years now - and I thank his spirit for being just that for me. My light that has beckon the way through many stormy waters.
~~~~
Being pregnant wasnt the full plan for this year - it was to be working full time, infact it was to be working two jobs, seeking out new employment somewhere that I could grow and use my talents and newly aquire qualifications that being both my Diploma and my LCQ, while also keeping my current job - that I do enjoy - as a casual top up of hours if they needed me. However things happen, and plans dont always go to well plan. I think the lead up to when I had a feeling I was going to be pregnant I had a major freak out - I did this also with my last pregnancy, its that whole you know its happened but your hoping and praying like hell that it hasnt really because it means that sudden realisation that big changes are ahead...trailing times are to be entered into and your somewhat perfect little world and life style you have been working out well is no longer going to be just that - its going to be different and its going to take some adjuting too.
I cant fully remember the feeling from doing the pee test - I remember my best mate Jade telling me to go and get one, being New Years day I had to check who was open in terms of supermarkets to get one, the first one I went to were all sold out completely (guess there were some people taking full advantage of the festive season) so I had to drive to another one - slight amused at that both their pregnancy tests and condoms were heavy under security to stop people shop lifting them. As I said I cant remember the whole feeling around doing the test, the positive came up pretty much straight away. I think Simon himself was going into panic mode. Having lost one baby aleady to my former partner, I think he was thinking the same thing was going to happen to this one also - I was upset deeply by this thinking of him that I expressed to my friend Kerri how I felt Simon thought I was a baby killing machine - that my body kills babies off. Simon unfortunately read part of this conversation I had in confidence with my friend and he had a talk with my mum about it, I had stormed off to my room upset. Simon disappeared off down to the beach to think, he rang me in tears about the pregnancy, and his worry that I would miscarry. It was a very scary thing to be going through, even though we had planned it and had been trying for a month for a baby. Somehow Simon calmed down after calling his best mate back home and talking to him. He went and sat outside with his laptop and was looking up nicknames for our baby.
The nickname part was a fun debate - I had to turn down a few he liked, I think Sid was one of the sames, I had to point down to a patch in the grass by the deck saying well no we are not calling our baby after A. My dead cat Fatcheeks Sidney "The Fatty Goodness" and B. After my Poppa who my cat was named after - Poppa made one thing clear in his life time and it was that no one was to be named after him! Sid was out of the question. Too heartbreaking on me for my dear sweet Fatcheeks who I miss alot, and spent my first pregnancy sleeping in my bed with me, a paw on my belly the whole time, watching over that little angel I carried inside of me for a short little time. I think he liked the name Bean, but that was too common, he liked the name Gummi Bear but well that was well and truely out of the question given that is what my son is more commonly referred to over his official name. We came to an agreement on a name Simon picked out and that was "Pebbles" - of course right from the very start Simon was saying it was a girl. I was still tounged on boy...guess it comes from me thinking strongly that my last baby felt very much like a boy.
Anyway Simon soon told his parents a few days later while they were moving house, he informed them about things like how he wanted his children to be able to have a relationship and know their grandparents - something he didnt get growing up with his grandparents dying when he was young. He had this great fear in him that his parents were going to die, very young at that. Simon said they werent overly happy, and wanted us to take time apart to ourselves to appreciate what we have - that we had rushed into things so fast, and I believe this now strongly as I look back after all we had only been together and known each other a matter of 6wks. We spent everyday together with no time to ourself, and I was starting to struggle slightly with this, and Simon couldnt understand why I wanted just ONE night to myself...my privacy was corrupted slightly as I couldnt go to my room, shut the door lie in bed and blast the radio up as loud as it will go and just zone out and calm down. I couldnt do this because Simon was there in my room, I just couldnt go anywhere. It was sad when Simon moved into his parents new place - he was only temporary living with us over the Xmas period - but it was a much needed break for us to be able to have time to ourself and for Simon to have time with his parents again. I spent the first week or so reading about pregnancy - I was going to get into Yoga and Swimming, and healthy eating after finding a really great book that gave a list of foods that gave the vital minerals and vitamins needed. It gave information on alot of things, even Simon started to read parts of it. Little did I know this wouldnt go to plan.....
We needed to learn how to actually be a couple - so we went out on one of our first dates to a Hot Rod and Classic Car Show, Simon owns a classic American car - a 1987 Firebird Transam, and this show I thought would be just right for him, we stocked up on munchies at the supermarket, took a photo of me holding a Pebbles box to my tummy as a little giggle - and headed off out on our little date. There were only a few cars like Simon's in the whole lot on show, but it was a great time for us to spend some time together just being a couple - it also got Simon the contacts to be able to actually restore his beloved baby sometime in the future. It was a few days after this date that we were booked in for our dating scan when I was 6wk6d pregnant - to check that our baby was in the right place and doing ok.....sadly morning sickness decided it would be a great time to actually kick in to the point of vomiting. And I had a nice big chunder and cry which scared Simon big time, and I wasnt able to make it to our scan, we had to rebook for the next day, sadly due to having a job interview this day Simon wasnt able to make it - I spent the rest of that day feeling sick as a dog and not in a happy mood, the reflux was getting to me, and there was nothing I could do. Simon went out and got me things to make me feel better - all your remidies people give for morning sickness, the ginger beer and plain crackers business. His sister came and picked him up pretty much straight away which upset me, because to me it felt like he was scared off by all these changes. I was dignosed by my GP with Hypermesis Gravidarum.
As the days went on my morning sickness got worse, I got to the point where I wasnt keeping anything down, and I grew so scared of food, it was so sick that I ended up in hospital on a drop to rehydrate, and I was to be admitted in over night, I was so scared I had never spent a night in hospital before I had only even been a day patient as a child for specialist appointments and admitted into ED a few times. However as it turned out I wasnt admitted, and was allowed to go home. While Simon has driven me to the hospital he wasnt really in the right state to be there he was tired he hasnt eaten and he seemed very distant - he ended up being sent home by the Nurse. I was given medication to help wih the morning sickness however it took a while for them to kick in fully - I had a really bad headache so I stopped taking the meds as I thought they were causing the headaches - I ended up back in hospital again weak, unable to eat anything, with really bad back pain and a killer headache - which ended up being a complete waste of time and money as the doctor did nothing to help me at all but give me nasal spray. I had fortunately discovered just which of my meds to cut out and which I needed to keep taking - and i cut two out of the four meds I was on - this included the vitally important one of Folic Acid. Simon started to think that our baby was slowly killing me.
Simon and I continued to go out on dates and work on our relationship, we went window shopping and looked at baby stuff, and had ideas of things we wanted. We debated greatly over names to call our child. Come 12wk6d of pregnancy I had our Nuchal Fold Scan to check for Downs, it was a great fear of Simon's that something was wrong with out baby, and I tried my hardest to reasure him that it would be fine - and if something WAS wrong that there is pleanty of medical help and knowledge out these days so we would get anything we needed to look after our child. However come the time of the scan, I had come down with a Chest Infection and I was cronically vomiting none stop again - I was beginning to not enjoy being pregnant at all. With all the sickness taking its toll on my body my thoughts started to become negative, and I started to shut down everything inside of me one by one, I started to grow hate towards this life growing inside of me, as they slowly each day took over the control of my body, I struggle to accept the changes my body was going through, and the changes that also meant on my personal life in terms of my job, while my work were very understanding and positive out of the safety for me and my unborn child it meant I was highly limited to what I could do at work given the nature of my job, alot of it was unsafe for me. As a result I had to cut back and not work as much as I would of liked to and had planned too.
Eventually everything took its toll and the final straw for me in all of these changes caused me to shut down completely and start walking away from my relationship with Simon. He couldnt understand what I was going through, and what I was experiencing. My back hurt, my head hurt from so many headaches, my stomach was in alot of agony due to the ligaments stetching in my pelvis and uterus - my eyes shead alot of tears not just because of the hormones but from all the vomiting, I was weak, I was tired, I was sick as a dog and down right over this all. I wanted my life back - my body back. I hated being pregnant!!!! I wanted this child out of me and my control back over my body. I refused to accept the changes happening.....
My morning sickness started to ease off when I was about 16wks pregnant, and I was starting to actually enjoy things a bit more, started to feel a little bit more human as I was able to eat without it coming back out again. Things were surreal a bit when i had my first Antenatal appointment and heard my baby's heartbeat for the first time. But I wasnt overly excited, much like with my 12wk scan I stayed quiet and emotionalless - I was still trying to accept having a baby growing inside me - it still wasnt fully real either has I hadnt felt any movement yet - however come 19wks6d when I had my Antamoy Scan and Simon was present for it, when we saw our baby up on the screen moving around, and then....then being told we were having a girl, I was actually finally able to accept it, I fell in love with our daughter FINALLY - not only that but I also was able to finally start feeling something more towards Simon, I was starting to miss him not being around much in my life, I was starting to miss not seeing him. I was sudddenly able to start planning things for this baby and accepting the changes that were happening. I started to have positive thoughts come into my head of hey I can do this, so my career is going to be on hold for another year - I can go back to it again next year....I have something now to actually work for, something to provide for.
Things felt even more real when I finally started to feel our little girl moving inside me well and truely- a weird feeling it was at that, one that I will have to agree having googled it all, is very hard to discribe what it feels like. I couldnt wait until I got to a stage where I would be able to feel her on the outside, where Simon could feel her - I also couldnt wait until he got to hear his daughter's heart beating. It was a hard time the first trimester and the fist few weeks of my second trimester due to Simon starting a new job, I didnt want him taking time off work to come to alot of the appointment I wasnt him to focus on his job and showing them just what he had, this job was vital for his career and was his foot in the door finally in New Zealand and setting out the new life adventure him and his family came here for. Sadly what I didnt know is that Simon has walked out complete and given up on me when I needed him the most but didnt know how to tell him just how I was feeling - I kept alot of it away from him because I felt and knew he wouldnt be able to understand how I was feeling, after all this pregnancy wasnt having the same changes on him as it was on me in terms of my body. He didnt have the sore boobs, the expanding waiste line, the limitation put on food, the headaches and tiredness or the insomnia (ok he had some of that from work) or the vomiting and the dizzyness and the completely dead libedo - he had changes in his life sure but not to that extreme.
It hurts that just as I was begining to enjoy being pregnant finally, finally being able to love our daughter, and think locally about how she should be raised that I learnt Simon had walked away completely some time ago and saw himself a free and single man on the market and started seeing someone else while I spent most of my days in bed sick as anything with our daughter growing inside of me. This blow; to me, has now left me yet again thinking negative thoughts on being pregnant, things like how I wish she would just quietly slip away so that she could be free of this mess, and the life that she will be born into that I do not want for her having lived it myself for some years now - the one thing I have been trying to protect her from. I again now struggle with being pregnant right when I was begining to enjoy it and see the light at the end of this dull horrible dark tunnel that was Trimester ONE.
Trimester TWO now comes with a bucket load of stress, everyday I now fear about what toll this stress will have my body, the not eating and not sleeping due to being depressed as apposed to being just normal pregnancy symptons - I fear about all those things Simon use to fear about with our child, that he appears to have just let go of completely and not care about. But most of all I fear about losing my child and not being able to have a bond with her, that the big whole that has and still remains for my Son will be twice the size it currently is because my Daughter has been taken away from me. Everyday I feel her moving inside me, it saddens me that Simon isnt there to expereince any of it, everyday I talk to her or she hears family members voices, it saddens me that she doesnt get to hear the voice of her father and his family because he isnt around anymore - it saddens me mostly because that is such a special bond to start while a child is developing, it is those voices and touches of the hand on the belly when she kicks, she bonds with, and one birth will recognise. I hate having to play videos where there is only a few seconds of Simon's voice in them in the hopes that she will react to them and form SOME sort of bond...but its just not going to be the same as the real thing. My biggest fear in my first trimester was that I wouldnt bond with her, that I wouldnt love her and that I would struggle greatly when she was born by myself. Now my biggest fear is that she wont bond with her father, that she will be dependant on me as I am the only voice and person she is the closest too and recognises- that on top of struggling on my own and my continual nightmares coming true.
I will say this though - I will write a letter to my daughter telling her just how I felt in my first trimester, with all my dreams and fears for her. Just for now, I had to get this out of my mind a little bit so that I could sleep with a few less nightmares.
To finish off with something positive - Ive managed to reach 21wks with only buying ONE pair of maternity jeans and one pregnancy bra...go me for being able to fit into my normal clothes still.
